Anyone got any jokes? I'm bored already.

Confession

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" said the boy
"Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father replied

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree " "A Christmas tree?" said the daughter
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"

How about one of these???

So the Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church and the priest turns around and says, "We don't allow your kind here!" and it replies, "But you can't have mass without me!"

*canned laughter*

How about a knock knock joke?

I got one. Just posted it on your mirror. Look for it.