I Have Lost People I Love From Cancer
My dad visited me in my dreams again. We were back in the room he died in, except this time he looked healthy as though nothing had happened. Sometimes ghosts aren’t aware they’re gone.
The first dream I had, I couldn’t see him. He had called me on my cell phone, and I didn’t see who it was because it was black. His ringtone was not playing, so I didn’t know who it was until I picked up. He said “Hi (insert my name here).” I responded, “Dad? I watched you die. I’m so sorry!” He then said, “It’s dark here.” I woke up crying.
This time made me cry even harder, because I could actually see him. And as I said before, this time he looked healthy. He sat up on his hospital bed and said, “There’s a great car out front. We should go take a ride, and talk.” I replied, “Dad, we can’t. You’re not in the position to drive anymore.” Maybe I should have said “okay,” but you know how dream logic works. It’s me trying to get the point across to my dad in my dreams that he’s no longer alive...as well as come to terms with it myself.
Maybe it will be different next time. Maybe I will go with him and see what he wants to show me. There were so many things he wanted to do when I was visiting him last year for a month, but he had a bad reaction to his chemo treatment, and was bedridden for a good chunk of my month long visit. I spent most of it taking care of him, but I didn’t mind. You only get one dad.
The first dream I had, I couldn’t see him. He had called me on my cell phone, and I didn’t see who it was because it was black. His ringtone was not playing, so I didn’t know who it was until I picked up. He said “Hi (insert my name here).” I responded, “Dad? I watched you die. I’m so sorry!” He then said, “It’s dark here.” I woke up crying.
This time made me cry even harder, because I could actually see him. And as I said before, this time he looked healthy. He sat up on his hospital bed and said, “There’s a great car out front. We should go take a ride, and talk.” I replied, “Dad, we can’t. You’re not in the position to drive anymore.” Maybe I should have said “okay,” but you know how dream logic works. It’s me trying to get the point across to my dad in my dreams that he’s no longer alive...as well as come to terms with it myself.
Maybe it will be different next time. Maybe I will go with him and see what he wants to show me. There were so many things he wanted to do when I was visiting him last year for a month, but he had a bad reaction to his chemo treatment, and was bedridden for a good chunk of my month long visit. I spent most of it taking care of him, but I didn’t mind. You only get one dad.
41-45, F
