Feeling Frustrated with Myself

I’m not looking for sympathy, I just need to shout into the void.

I hate being bipolar.

I hate that my mood is so erratic and intense that the only thing I can do is hide it or bottle it up around people because I don’t want them to think I’m crazy.

I hate that medication only helps me to a certain point. Their is no cure. No way out. No way for me to get rid of it.

I hate that emotions like sadness and anger stick to me more than feelings of love and joy do.

I hate my psychotic depressive symptoms where I become so paranoid and mistrusting of everyone in my life.

I hate being the “mentally ill” person in everyone’s lives. I’m so much more than this. I can talk to anyone about anything. Mathematics, science, literature. I’m such a smart woman but my bipolar infects even things I’m passionate about.

Everyone sees color and I have to live my life in black and white.

I didn’t choose to be this way and some nights like tonight; I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I was someone else.