I'm mad at Cancer and life

And I'm agnostic but I almost feel near atheist. My dad got aggressive cancer just a month ago. He's in hospice as it's so rapid, chemo would not have helped. Tonight was torture. He's so miserable, moaning even on morphine AND fentanyl. He could barely speak now, and barely lift his hand. It was so awful also hearing his constant wheezing for days from pneumonia that never cleared. I'm mad at Cancer Bec it's a shit ass evil thing, truly. I'm mad at life too Bec why is there THIS much horrible suffering????? What is the reason????? It was one of the worst days of my life, seeing him decline even more tonight. Dad, I love you so much and I'm still there with you. 🌺💜😞

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

VersesAndBruises · 100+, F Best Comment

I don’t even know what to say except I am so damn sorry. Reading this made my chest tight. Watching your dad suffer like that… hearing him struggle to breathe, hearing the moaning, seeing him fade — that’s trauma. There’s nothing “okay” about it. Of course you’re angry. I’d be furious too. Cancer is cruel and ugly and unfair, and it steals in the most brutal ways.

There is no explanation that makes this make sense. No spiritual bypass. No “reason.” Sometimes life is just unbearably harsh, and it’s okay to say that.

But I need you to know this — even if he can barely speak, even if he can’t lift his hand, he knows you’re there. Love doesn’t disappear when the body starts failing. Your voice, your presence, your “Dad, I love you” — that reaches him. I truly believe that.

I’m so sorry tonight was one of the worst nights of your life. I hate that you’re living this. I’m here. You can be angry. You can scream about it. You don’t have to make peace with something this cruel. I’m just here with you in it.

Baybreeze · 41-45, F

@VersesAndBruises Thank you. I read lots of self help book and some say to take even a very horrible thing and find the positive in it. One of my favorite quotes is by author Byron Katie. "Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell of it. But only always." I've enjoyed that quote for years. But, with cancer or tragedy I think it's ok to say THIS FEELS HORRIBLE AND NOT RIGHT, OR EVEN EVIL. Maybe she's right, she's a genius author. Maybe there's good even in tragedy but right now I'm very mad. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.