I might have developed an ED
tw eating disorder, swearing
Super long vent just to get all my thoughts out and not proofread
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shit I can’t do this anymore why why why.
I’m a young teen (transmale) ok. And I was 5”8 140lbs but. My adhd meds made me go down like 2lbs. Which is a side effect that’s harmless.
I moved countries and no more American food meant losing another 2lbs. Which is normal.
And then my appetite got worse and worse until I was lying about being hungry. I thought I was just too lazy to eat. Lost some more.
I was not lazy. I haven’t slept in literally 28 hours and i still forced myself to do a random workout. Which I’ve never done, I hate exercise… and even my favorite foods… I can’t eat them. (My mom just ordered pizza and it made me NERVOUS!!!!)
I realized I’m not eating because I want to be skinnier. I want to be perfect.
I spent all night last night looking at tiny people with pretty features. Workout plans. Diet plans. Why am I doing this shit anyway? For attention? Wtf is wrong with me. What will it even do for me, why don’t I want it to leave?
But I hated myself at 8, then had this happen way less when I was 12-13 but now I’m older and it’s SO MUCH WORSE.
And I don’t know what’s pushing me to do this…! I love food….. or, loved.
And you know how I said I was 140 lbs? That was 4 months ago. My BMI was around 21.5 (too lazy to recalculate) which is the perfect average….
Well, now I’m 119 lbs. I lost 21 lbs in 4 months as a teenager who might still be growing. I got a calorie tracking app in a moment of obsession and my daily average is like. 600 cals a day. I’ve never excercized alone and willingly in my life but it feels like I’m being pushed by some force to push myself past what I can do with my physical disability. It hurts. I’m stiff
I’m so, so, hungry. And I really want that pizza, but I know my hands won’t just put it into my mouth. I can’t.
Im still hungry but I say “no second serving”
Im so hungry right now it’s the hungriest I’ve ever been in my life I could eat anything. Even shit I hate.
But I just can’t. And I feel like such a fucking FAKER because this got this bad this quick. No one can develop anorexia in a week, right?
The worst thing is, I don’t have it in me to recover. The happiness I get from my body gets rid of my dysphoria, and I don’t feel weirdly guilty. But the pain… why why why
But. I don’t wanna recover is the thing. Id rather be skinny than healthy atp, and I don’t know WHY….
And I don’t wanna try and get diagnosed. My parents wouldn’t be too happy and it’s a waste anyway, really.
I just don’t know what direction to go, but I know it’s not the right one. And I don’t even know if this makes any sense because I haven’t slept and am rotting from hunger.
bye. I’m not really looking for advice actually just pouring my heart in a website. Gonna go sleep it off ig.
Super long vent just to get all my thoughts out and not proofread
—————
shit I can’t do this anymore why why why.
I’m a young teen (transmale) ok. And I was 5”8 140lbs but. My adhd meds made me go down like 2lbs. Which is a side effect that’s harmless.
I moved countries and no more American food meant losing another 2lbs. Which is normal.
And then my appetite got worse and worse until I was lying about being hungry. I thought I was just too lazy to eat. Lost some more.
I was not lazy. I haven’t slept in literally 28 hours and i still forced myself to do a random workout. Which I’ve never done, I hate exercise… and even my favorite foods… I can’t eat them. (My mom just ordered pizza and it made me NERVOUS!!!!)
I realized I’m not eating because I want to be skinnier. I want to be perfect.
I spent all night last night looking at tiny people with pretty features. Workout plans. Diet plans. Why am I doing this shit anyway? For attention? Wtf is wrong with me. What will it even do for me, why don’t I want it to leave?
But I hated myself at 8, then had this happen way less when I was 12-13 but now I’m older and it’s SO MUCH WORSE.
And I don’t know what’s pushing me to do this…! I love food….. or, loved.
And you know how I said I was 140 lbs? That was 4 months ago. My BMI was around 21.5 (too lazy to recalculate) which is the perfect average….
Well, now I’m 119 lbs. I lost 21 lbs in 4 months as a teenager who might still be growing. I got a calorie tracking app in a moment of obsession and my daily average is like. 600 cals a day. I’ve never excercized alone and willingly in my life but it feels like I’m being pushed by some force to push myself past what I can do with my physical disability. It hurts. I’m stiff
I’m so, so, hungry. And I really want that pizza, but I know my hands won’t just put it into my mouth. I can’t.
Im still hungry but I say “no second serving”
Im so hungry right now it’s the hungriest I’ve ever been in my life I could eat anything. Even shit I hate.
But I just can’t. And I feel like such a fucking FAKER because this got this bad this quick. No one can develop anorexia in a week, right?
The worst thing is, I don’t have it in me to recover. The happiness I get from my body gets rid of my dysphoria, and I don’t feel weirdly guilty. But the pain… why why why
But. I don’t wanna recover is the thing. Id rather be skinny than healthy atp, and I don’t know WHY….
And I don’t wanna try and get diagnosed. My parents wouldn’t be too happy and it’s a waste anyway, really.
I just don’t know what direction to go, but I know it’s not the right one. And I don’t even know if this makes any sense because I haven’t slept and am rotting from hunger.
bye. I’m not really looking for advice actually just pouring my heart in a website. Gonna go sleep it off ig.
16-17, T