how i overcame my eating disorder
I remember specifically when I suffered from my eating disorder, that I was always looking for articles whom were written by people who successfully overcame their eating disorder.
I always found the same things over and over. The same articles with the same thesis. "you will never get over your eating disorder you will always have that voice in the back of your mind...."
I wanted to share my story of how I overcame my eating disorder.
First of all I wanted to go on to explain a lot of things people don't understand about eating disorders is they are anxiety related. I had an eating disorder, but I also suffered from OCD. Everything had to be even, i had to tap things in an even number or I thought I was going to die. I had to flick the light on and off in an even number or make the volume on the television be even.
It took a lot of soul searching to be able to overcome this, and I am about to explain why. I had to face my own demons. I had to ask myself, why do you feel like you need to tap your fingers an even number of times? why do you have to do things to make it so everything is even and equal........
flashback to deluxes childhood:
I had a very abusive stepfather. who basically taught me from the beginning that I was worthless and had no attributed value. I was physically and mentally abused everyday of my life. My sister was my step fathers full biological daughter. At the time we were not made aware of this until later, my mother told me he was my biological father as well. He did not treat her with the abuse and lack of "love" altogether that he did me. He would literally tell me he didn't love me.
................... it hit me. my ocd "ticks" were attributed to my childhood and not having control over the situation or what was going to happen. I wanted my "father" to love me equally as he loved my sister. I manifested this in my ocd where i subconsciously tried to take control over my life to make things "equal."
After this realization came a breaking point. I struggled to not tap things anymore or "make things equal" but alas I was able to break myself of this habit as I struggled with self acceptance which little did I know the battle wasn't even partly over.
I struggled with my eating disorder many more years. it was hell on earth. i would cry myself to sleep, i would pray to God to heal my mind. Now it's all but a distant memory.
I wouldn't go out because I would feel fat. little did i know my collar bone was protruding because of the severity i was staving myself. i grew the little hairs on my body that people who endure long periods of starvation grow for survival. I would starve for days at a time, the longest period i starved for was 7 days. i would starve without drinking because i saw that i lost more weight doing this.
one day my pee turned brown and i had to go to the hospital because i was running a fever of 104. apparently i had a kidney infection. it was the worst pain i ever experienced it felt like needles were stabbing me on every inch of my body continuously.
this still wasn't enough. the eating disorder ravaged on.
in my adulthood i was able to get myself more help than what my mother was able to. they actually prescribed me anxiety medicine for my eating disorder. This made a lot of sense considering my anxiety would directly trigger my binge purging episodes i would have.
i had to face even more demons now. i had a child, I had gained extra weight. this for a person with an eating disorder is terrifying. i was exercising constantly to get rid of the baby weight. i got rid of it quite easily, but i still decided to exercise profusely. until one day... i was out jogging and that was the day i got hit by a car.... yes this actually happened
it took me well over a year to rehabilitate from that. from using a walker, to a wheelchair, to walking on a boot. meanwhile during the healing process it occurred to me. i wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for my eating disorder....
as i struggled to regain my life back that persisting thought lingered. I almost lost my life not once but twice.
i really had to face my demons now and come to face the fact that i needed to get over everything in order to be happy and truly move on with my life. and i did and do.
i accept myself. i am perfect just the way that i am. i am enough. I am not what someone else projects onto me. i am not someone elses words or perspective. I am not defined by anyone else's words. The only person who has lived my life and seen what i have seen and done what i have done is me. therefore i define myself. ANY words anyone else says about me says are merely projections of how they are feeling inside, and that has nothing to do with me. It never did and never will. 😌
I always found the same things over and over. The same articles with the same thesis. "you will never get over your eating disorder you will always have that voice in the back of your mind...."
I wanted to share my story of how I overcame my eating disorder.
First of all I wanted to go on to explain a lot of things people don't understand about eating disorders is they are anxiety related. I had an eating disorder, but I also suffered from OCD. Everything had to be even, i had to tap things in an even number or I thought I was going to die. I had to flick the light on and off in an even number or make the volume on the television be even.
It took a lot of soul searching to be able to overcome this, and I am about to explain why. I had to face my own demons. I had to ask myself, why do you feel like you need to tap your fingers an even number of times? why do you have to do things to make it so everything is even and equal........
flashback to deluxes childhood:
I had a very abusive stepfather. who basically taught me from the beginning that I was worthless and had no attributed value. I was physically and mentally abused everyday of my life. My sister was my step fathers full biological daughter. At the time we were not made aware of this until later, my mother told me he was my biological father as well. He did not treat her with the abuse and lack of "love" altogether that he did me. He would literally tell me he didn't love me.
................... it hit me. my ocd "ticks" were attributed to my childhood and not having control over the situation or what was going to happen. I wanted my "father" to love me equally as he loved my sister. I manifested this in my ocd where i subconsciously tried to take control over my life to make things "equal."
After this realization came a breaking point. I struggled to not tap things anymore or "make things equal" but alas I was able to break myself of this habit as I struggled with self acceptance which little did I know the battle wasn't even partly over.
I struggled with my eating disorder many more years. it was hell on earth. i would cry myself to sleep, i would pray to God to heal my mind. Now it's all but a distant memory.
I wouldn't go out because I would feel fat. little did i know my collar bone was protruding because of the severity i was staving myself. i grew the little hairs on my body that people who endure long periods of starvation grow for survival. I would starve for days at a time, the longest period i starved for was 7 days. i would starve without drinking because i saw that i lost more weight doing this.
one day my pee turned brown and i had to go to the hospital because i was running a fever of 104. apparently i had a kidney infection. it was the worst pain i ever experienced it felt like needles were stabbing me on every inch of my body continuously.
this still wasn't enough. the eating disorder ravaged on.
in my adulthood i was able to get myself more help than what my mother was able to. they actually prescribed me anxiety medicine for my eating disorder. This made a lot of sense considering my anxiety would directly trigger my binge purging episodes i would have.
i had to face even more demons now. i had a child, I had gained extra weight. this for a person with an eating disorder is terrifying. i was exercising constantly to get rid of the baby weight. i got rid of it quite easily, but i still decided to exercise profusely. until one day... i was out jogging and that was the day i got hit by a car.... yes this actually happened
it took me well over a year to rehabilitate from that. from using a walker, to a wheelchair, to walking on a boot. meanwhile during the healing process it occurred to me. i wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for my eating disorder....
as i struggled to regain my life back that persisting thought lingered. I almost lost my life not once but twice.
i really had to face my demons now and come to face the fact that i needed to get over everything in order to be happy and truly move on with my life. and i did and do.
i accept myself. i am perfect just the way that i am. i am enough. I am not what someone else projects onto me. i am not someone elses words or perspective. I am not defined by anyone else's words. The only person who has lived my life and seen what i have seen and done what i have done is me. therefore i define myself. ANY words anyone else says about me says are merely projections of how they are feeling inside, and that has nothing to do with me. It never did and never will. 😌
26-30, F
