I Have An Eating Disorder

Before I relapsed the most recent time, I thought I was in recovery, but turns out I never actually recovered. Being forced to maintain a semi-healthy body weight isn’t recovering. I still engaged in most, if not all, of the behavior I did when I was 15. My relationship issues sent me into a relapse a lot worse than what I had already been doing. I’m still having a very hard time with my eating disorder and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly and trying to do all the bullshit he suggests but it isn’t working. He wants me to write down my daily intake so I can reflect back on it and recognize unhealthy eating habits. The problem is, the more I catalog my calorie count, the worse it makes me feel. On a good day, I’m consuming around 500 calories. This is killing me. I’m exhausted all of the time and my body hurts. I want to stop but I can’t.