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I need real advice please friends

I really fell in love with this guy in California. It was rocky. I’d say we both have our issues, but he was very extreme with our misunderstandings. He admitted to having tantrums and I can admit to being afraid of him. When I had to come back to Delaware we had planned on him coming too, but the whole way back our conversations would misfire. His jealousy. He is needy for sure. I don’t condone his lifestyle by any means, but he doesn’t have much. He told me he wanted me to take care of him. But it scared me too. At times my needs have to matter, especially as a Mom, but he consistently wants me to see things from his perspective. We fell out. Didn’t talk for weeks. Reconnected, more yelling and insults, then calm, then anger and mistrust, then calm. I fkn love him, but he always accuses me of lying. I offered to fly out or to fly him here for a week, just to get face to face, but now he says no. He says he’s about to completely homeless and is going to die. Of course I have room for him. Of course I want to hold him, but will he drain me? I can’t shake the feeling that he only loves me so much because of what I can give. Love of course, companionship, but also free meals and a roof. I don’t know what to think. Or if I offer to move him here now, if he even still would. I don’t dare bring it up, I don’t want to play games with his heart, though he’s admitted to trying to manipulate me, saying it was just to get my love and attention. I have no clue what’s even going on 😭

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SW-User

I haven't made the best choices in love so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if he moves out there and he loves you then he should be doing everything he can to make your life easier not harder. You need a partner in life not a man child. Sounds like he wants a Mom not a partner. Just my two cents.

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SW-User

@greenlife you dont know me, thats pretty strong words to a stranger dude

phillyguy · 56-60, M

@SW-User You are TOTALLY right. Keep looking for a really good guy.

aaaabbbb

Wow, my sincere advice, please do yourself a favor and run away. Needy people with mood swings/tantrums and worst, jealousy not a good person to be around. You want someone who uplifts you, make you a better person as opposed to draining you out.
He is looking for to be spoond fed and that's a big no no.the man has to be a man and offer something credible within his character.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@aaaabbbb Beautiful. Thank you so much

aaaabbbb

@RebelFox you are most welcome. I really hope 🙏 and pray that you make the right decision and don't fall for this individual as much as you love him. Once we are a parent we must protect that child and their future. This man will hinder your ability to fulfill those responsibilities.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@aaaabbbb I’m taking the time to let go now. He’s 2800 miles away, so I don’t have to worry about any craziness. It’s what always kept me from committing, I knew he would take from my son and I without hesitation. I’d never do that to my baby.

SW-User

No ! He is manipulating you ...if he really loved you he would work at being your partner an equal . Do you really want to be taking care of a manchild ? You already have one of your own . Think very carefully about that . He sounds like a drain on you and your son . He is not helpless ...if he wanted to.he would try to do what is needed . I'm not buying this . There are resources out there for him . You will be miserable in the end .

SW-User

@SW-User you can love someone all you want but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate their bullshit ..
You don't have to suffer for love ..

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@SW-User I don’t and I feel like he’s playing at my heart because he knows I care. Telling me he’s going to die. But I just can’t do it. Move him in here after all this. It’s so much up and down, his fault , my fault I just wanted to help each other. I don’t have faith in him anymore, I’m just so disappointed it’s not him. For real it was cool.

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

Sometimes things are a lot simpler if you just step back and look at the big picture.
Everything you have said in this post is a red flag.
You say you love him but never mention what it is about him that you love.
Being alone, for most people, is very uncomfortable and lonely.
People crave love and affection from another person.
All I see and what you wrote is someone looking for a free ride.
He doesn't even sound like he is good at it either.
Just find a way to move on. Forget about him. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
You now have a chance to possibly meet someone that is a better fit for you.
I wish you luck with this.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Dainbramadge I love how sensitive and passionate he is. How we could talk, the way we made love. How he held me and talked about me like I was his love. But he did say things that were off sometimes. Hurtful. And sometimes he meant to hurt me. There wasn’t much patience or understanding for my flaws, or even for just being tired. Yet I loved how he knew pain. Our conversations were poetry. When it was good, it was good.

It was fast for me too. I wanted to overcome my fears with him, but it made him upset . I felt confused a lot. I believed in him and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t believe in me. Now he acts like I killed him. I can’t bring myself close to having him move here at all. So yeah it’s time to let go. It’s just I feel so wrecked. I feel like I failed him and I never could of avoided it. He expected it. Poked and prodded and picked convinced I was lying or cheating. What else could I of done?

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

@RebelFox I'm glad you didn't take my comment to be marginalizing your feelings for him.
When I was reading your post all I could think of was that all of the positive in your relationship was you. It was all the things you were providing for him.
I think too often we allow people to slide way too far in our lives because of a few things that make us feel special. I think we should hold people to a higher level then we actually do.
If you think about it, a relationship is one of the most important things you are going to do for yourself. It may sound a little narcissistic but it how we need to think about it.
You need to find someone that makes you feel wonderful about yourself a lot more than they make you feel bad. A lot more.
I know that relationships are a lot of work but I think we cut ourselves short on how much work is a lot.
You sound like you have a great Outlook on what you want out of a relationship. A relationship should be very special and make you feel very warm and fuzzy. It's what you deserve for you that matters.

Steelguy2020 · 61-69, M

Run, don't walk. Move on as soon as possible. Love will doole you but this is a dangerous relationship. I've seen it play out many times, none of them good
My opinion ..

GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M

@RebelFox oh man. Thats making me think of a similar situation i have 🤔 thank you. I understand wanting to help someone with trauma, once youve gone through it you can understand. I would say unless you really love them and they want to change, it might be better to let go of something thats draining you for no purpose.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@GuyWithOpinions I can’t tell if he wants to change. He has no patience for me. Every misunderstanding he is angry and out the door. I’ve done nothing but love him as best I can, practically begging him to believe me, but he says I’m a liar. He says I’m privileged. He picks at every intimate detail I’ve shared with him. I can’t imagine wanting to hurt the one you love like that. Then he flips the switch after apologizing and blames me again. Seriously rn he is blaming me for getting kicked out of his parents house and having to get a job. He says he’s going to die. Dude I just can’t tell if he’s messing with my head and the fact I hadoubts bothers me. Like maybe he does love me, but maybe his love is fucked. I know he’s been hurt bad, but I don’t understand hurting the one that does love you and stands by your side 😞

cherokeepatti · 61-69, F

@RebelFox everything you have said points to him as a narcissist. If you think these things are bad you’ve seen nothing yet. He could ruin you financially among other things. Living in his parents house and not having a job and getting mad at you because he has to find a job? He wants to be taken care of, not accepting responsibility for his own self is a huge red flag.

GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M

@RebelFox maybe hes fighting himself internally and thats why it seems like he flips around. Maybe trust is hard for him and hes conflicted.

GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M

Sounds like it could be a dangerous path but do what you feel you need to. If you want to handle having to take care of someone that has trouble taking care of themselves, maybe they wont benefit your life. Or maybe you do want that? Everyones different.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@GuyWithOpinions I definitely don’t want that

GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M

@RebelFox then maybe keep up your boundries. Maybe give him advice on how he could help himself by how youve learned to help your self. If he does get better then i suppose you could give more. From my experience, if i give too much to someone who doesnt want to help them selves they get used to the handouts and dont try as hard. But rather try harder to earn the hand outs and cause more resistance when you say no.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@GuyWithOpinions I’m familiar with that tactic and I guess I’ve fallen for it again 😞 It was him, he was so unusual and smart, sensitive and tender. I believed in him, but I don’t think he ever believed in himself or me. I gave a lot in a short amount of time and took a lot of hits due to his temper. I was trying to be patient because I knew he experienced trauma, but it’s just starting to break me down.

WhateverWorks · 36-40

I think… you already know, but just to make this a lot simpler than the seemingly complicated situation I would ask yourself one question,
‘Do you think given this person’s extremely unstable temperament and actions, this would be a good person to insert into your child’s life?’

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

It's a cycle of abuse the calm/chaos/calm/chaos.

I'm guessing you don't want your kid around that.

It will always cycle like that with him.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Starcrossed Heck no. That’s why I didn’t have him move here. I wasn’t 100% sure if that’s what was happening. It was too fast. I definitely didn’t want my son near it.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Starcrossed Heck no. That’s why I didn’t have him move here. I wasn’t 100% sure if that’s what was happening. It was too fast. I definitely didn’t want my son near it.

DownTheStreet · 56-60, M

Punt him. Drop by here in cali next time.

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DownTheStreet · 56-60, M

@TryingtoLavathe bus misses you

TryingtoLava

@DownTheStreet too crowded

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@DownTheStreet oh I’m coming back. I LOVE California

Selah ·

Don't be so desperate for "love" that you let some manipulative bum with a temper around you and your kid.

Montanaman · M

I think you know the answer to your own question. He'll drain you. And as you watch all your love and energy, hopes and dreams swirl down and around into a dark hole, like dirty bathwater...
Swirling down the tub drain. Until all that's left of you, is a dark porcelain stain

RebelFox · 36-40, F

Thank you to everyone who responded. I really appreciate your input and sharing your experiences helps. I thought I was a monster for loving someone. Thank you friends. Love you all 🖤

DrawntoaDistance · M

From the outside this situation has alarms and bells and warning sirens screeching and glitching all over it. Clearly.

cherokeepatti · 61-69, F

Sounds like red flags all over the place with this guy.

CestManan · 46-50, F

Sounds like a typical relationship.

SW-User

Run, ..don’t walk away

Rambler · 61-69, M

Steer clear

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empanadas · 31-35, M

He told me he wanted me to take care of him.

you aren't his mom. You have a kid to worry about. Bringing someone like him around your kid could have negative effects in the long run. Focus on the person who actually needs you for their growth and find someone more stable.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@empanadas Thank you. His mom left him as a baby, so I do empathize with him, but I don’t think I can manage all of that without destroying myself.

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