A confession about myself... and Ash Wednesday post.
If you had me on a lie detector machine and asked "Are you straight?" And I replied "Yes" the machine would signal a lie. Wonder why my orientation isn't on my profile?
Same sex attraction has been a constant struggle since I became honest with myself years ago, a switch moment that made me realise I'm also attracted to men and the pulse hasn't stopped.
Yep. After reading my Reformation Study Bible, reading Spurgeon, Daily Readings The Puritans and praying for my cherished persecuted family with the Open Doors Prayer Diary and then eating my porridge while subconsciously nodding along to 'Real Talk With Jordan Riley' on YouTube my mind went straight to inappropriate thoughts about men.
Yes. I followed the usual advice- prayed, glorified God more, as for church and fellowship- you know I cherish them. But I would not delete those images, I pretended to half repent and just leave them in the Android recycle bin, inevitably recycling them for later.
Today I experienced further repentance... and these inappropriate thoughts.... they're dying.
How? God used Richard Sibbes. Richard Sibbes warmly and pastorally explains sin in a way you will NEVER hear anyone else explain it. Why? His ministry was dedicated to people like me- backsliders, etc. His book 'the bruised reed' is a must read for sin.
Will I fall? Sure. Will it reign over my life like it has done the past several years? By God's grace I will be on guard. Today all those images were deleted.
Allow me to share today's reading of 'Refreshment for the Soul: A Year of Daily Readings from the 'Heavenly Doctor' Richard Sibbes' that set something off:
Thanks for sharing this post. We all struggle in different ways. Your honesty is appreciated. Congrats on the steps you decided to make.
I am not familiar with Richard Sibbes. I picked up a copy for my Kindle to read through.
Years ago I read through John Owen's work on The Mortification of Sin, which was quite a challenge. Though I am not Reformed in my theological perspective. I have read and appreciated many writings from the reformed tradition.
One of the verses that the Lord has directed my heart towards this year is from 1Samuel 15:22, "To obey is better than sacrifice." Rather than simply doing "the right stuff" (Bible reading, study, prayer, worship, etc), I must be doing the right thing for God. Jesus says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandment." in John 14:15. It's in keeping or obeying God that is showing my love for him.
I'm not saying not to do the "right stuff", but it is in right living for the Lord, that is even more important.
Being exactly how you were made is not evil. Struggling against your true nature and trying to suppress it is the original definition of the root word we now know as sin. You win every time you deny who you are, and shame yourself for being as you were made.
Or are you saying God didn't know what he was doing when he made you this way?
