Eating is not a Federal Offense [I Am Fat]
I wish to protest against people who believe that a fat person who is eating something (or anything) is commiting a major felony and will soon be arrested.
I refer to those many people, especially my literary agent, who see me eating something and scream, "I CAUGHT you!!!!!" As if I was concealing a crime I'd committed. Sometimes they add, "You CAN'T deny it!!! I have the EVIDENCE!!!" My neighbor used to fish trash out of the garbage can screaming, as she held up a food carton or wrapper,"I have the EVIDENCE right here so don't you dare DENY it!!!"
First of all, if I am sitting in a public place, like my porch or in a public park, not inside a closet with a blanket over my head, I am not concealing what I am doing (eating a bag of Cheetos, for instance).
Second, it is not against the law to eat Cheetos (at least not at the present time). I get really angry when people use crime or courtroom oriented language to describe my behavior; I am NOT a criminal, no matter how angry my Cheetos make you feel. Recently, UN Agenda 21 gave grant money to some restaurant chains (Pollo Loco, for instance) to forbid people like me from eating their food ordered from the regular menu; they will only take my order from a special menu. So you can be happy that people like you--the Food Police--seem to be winning the game. But so far Cheetos, and other food I eat, are not yet illegal. So don't talk to me like I am in the process of committing a crime and concealing it when I am not. I might decide to do something felonious just to fit your words; like socking you in the kishkas! Then your language will be appropriate for the situation, and you can call the police.
Also, if while you are lambasting me for my "criminal" behavior, I decide to leave, instead of socking you in the kishkas, don't scream, "Don't you DARE run away from me!!!" I am NOT "running away" from you, just removing myself, legitimately, from an uncomfortable social situation I have a moral and legal right to avoid. Please don't turn it into a physical struggle; if I knock you down, I WILL sit on you and since I'm a fat lady, that could be tough on you. Just let me go and I will find a better place to eat my Cheetos.
I refer to those many people, especially my literary agent, who see me eating something and scream, "I CAUGHT you!!!!!" As if I was concealing a crime I'd committed. Sometimes they add, "You CAN'T deny it!!! I have the EVIDENCE!!!" My neighbor used to fish trash out of the garbage can screaming, as she held up a food carton or wrapper,"I have the EVIDENCE right here so don't you dare DENY it!!!"
First of all, if I am sitting in a public place, like my porch or in a public park, not inside a closet with a blanket over my head, I am not concealing what I am doing (eating a bag of Cheetos, for instance).
Second, it is not against the law to eat Cheetos (at least not at the present time). I get really angry when people use crime or courtroom oriented language to describe my behavior; I am NOT a criminal, no matter how angry my Cheetos make you feel. Recently, UN Agenda 21 gave grant money to some restaurant chains (Pollo Loco, for instance) to forbid people like me from eating their food ordered from the regular menu; they will only take my order from a special menu. So you can be happy that people like you--the Food Police--seem to be winning the game. But so far Cheetos, and other food I eat, are not yet illegal. So don't talk to me like I am in the process of committing a crime and concealing it when I am not. I might decide to do something felonious just to fit your words; like socking you in the kishkas! Then your language will be appropriate for the situation, and you can call the police.
Also, if while you are lambasting me for my "criminal" behavior, I decide to leave, instead of socking you in the kishkas, don't scream, "Don't you DARE run away from me!!!" I am NOT "running away" from you, just removing myself, legitimately, from an uncomfortable social situation I have a moral and legal right to avoid. Please don't turn it into a physical struggle; if I knock you down, I WILL sit on you and since I'm a fat lady, that could be tough on you. Just let me go and I will find a better place to eat my Cheetos.
70-79, F
