"Picking my hill to die on..."

..So to speak, is super difficult. I try to be the person who is innately good/ people look to. I've been like this since I was young. I don't begrudge being the "nice guy". in fact its still the way I want to be. At times like this it sucks though, having a self-imposed standard I hold myself to..
Perhaps I'm feeling drained from "the grind", perhaps its that I question my choices that got me where I am...but times like this, where my active decision to be someone people trust and feel safe around, who people look to and listen to; so much so that I've been put into a role of empowerment over others. This is what we all strive for, being promoted in our jobs/ careers and it means we are good and doing well... but it also means you have to act differently/ consider your actions/ intentions all the more...
Even a month ago when we were equals, I debated speaking to that person, finally opening up after years of stoic self-imposed celibacy, to tell them I would want to know them better. That they uplift me, mentally and spiritually. I thought about it at length...too long it seems.
Now, I "couldn't" speak that freely. I'm their boss, its not fair to put them in such a conversation...let alone what the outcome of the conversation may be...yet I feel free, and at peace around them. I like my job, and don't wish to jeopardize it....yet I want, nay...I wish I could tell them I think I'm in love.
It feels weird to say, even to my self. It's been an age since someone made me feel this way. I've got butterflies in my stomach....I'm a grown man and yet I've got butterflies in my stomach! I only know her through work....and not even well, yet she puts me at ease just being around.....yet I "cant" speak on it. Even if she's actually feeling the same, my own moral compass would rather have me languishing what could be vs make it happen....all cause its not the "accepted" thing to do. Bosses don't get with staff, that's taboo and usually goes bad...and yet its on my mind.
Thus, im here rambling into a overly-lit screen as I contemplate doing what I shouldn't vs sticking to what I should. Things are finally going my way after a few years of struggle, and I'm finally feeling better mentally because of that....and now my heart/ brain have to disagree over a person who may just be "being friendly" ...wanting me to risk it all for that fantastical thing the movies call "love", when even if I do take the plunge its probably just my dumb-ass misreading people....again.
Is it too much to ask for, to want to share my joy and adventures in life with someone WHILE things are going well? It seems I get one or the other...and have yet to experience both....maybe I'm jaded from last time.
I opened my heart to that one, when we were both young and foolish...We were inseparable, then as fast as it started, we became distant. we had 6 years together, yet it felt in ways like a life time and in others lime moments. I bared my soul to that one, and for a time she tried to do the same....but as has happened to me before, that one got tired of me...treated me like an object, a tool to keep her going vs seeing me as her companion on the journey of life...as I seen her. Since we separated I closed up my heart, what was left of it. I had my grieving time, I worked past my regrets and opened my heart to others and the prospect of finding someone again.
That was 3 years ago, I've tried but largely "struck out" I'm always the shoulder to cry on, or person to rely on...but never seem to resonate with someone like I had that previous time. That time I felt it in the fibres of my being that "they were right for me". haven't felt that since. Then this person comes along at my job, where I've made a place for my self, and cemented I'm valued and respected my my colleagues. I fit here, and feel like I'm still going places at the same time....and then they came along and I was ecstatic. someone with my hobbies who's also has my kind of energy/an energy I am attuned with. They are funny, kind knowledgeable, and despite a lot of people lately, they know what real struggle is and in spite of that make the most of life vs wallow in it.
But I waited too long, I got a promotion and now me saying all this to them would put them into a power vacuum in our workspace, and even if we could make it work and "all lights are green" company policy means one or both of us could be fired....and I simply cant risk it. I need this job.
I just wish my brain and heart could harmonize and accept I cant pursue this...or rather, doing so is likely self destructive. More so than even this inner monologue I've now inducted you all to. It was simpler, being unaware of these long dormant emotions and feelings...Yet, I now crave those happiness-inducing emotions I would/could/do get from being around this person....What I wouldn't give for a "return to last save point" button for a sitch like this....yet this is real life, with real consequences...and thus I shouldn't/couldn't/ can't react like my heart wants. Instead I'll post this here for an older "me" to revisit with a new "regret" despite trying to live without those, still half unsure then if I made the right call by doing/ not doing something about these thoughts. Because in reality, the "happily-ever after"s only come to those in the right place at the right time with the right person AT THEIR OWN "right time"..and as much as the current me wants this, I don't think it is "my right time".
For someone who's made up their mind about how to act, I clearly suck at "picking my hill to die on"....

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JollyRoger · 70-79, M

I like your attitude. It's thoughtful and mature.
I think you 'overthink'....(not that I'm trying to be nasty - just helpful). Somewhere in your up-bringing you have picked up the idea that you have to let your own needs be secondary to the needs of others.
I think you may have studied a but of psychology to get to where you are (actually I think that's part of it: You're acting like a psychologist). but if you examine the work of Abram Mazlow and his postulate on 'the hierarchies of needs' you'll see that you have ascended to the top of the pyramid but have fallen off because you have not addressed your own basic need. I hope that gives you a starting point to understand yourself.
Now: about the lady who works for you - If you are in a position where you have influence, approach your own supervisor (or higher management) and see (after asking her if she's interested to 'get to know you better') if there's another supervisor who she might be shifted to so you won't be in a position of conflict. There are many organizations where husbands and wives share the same employer but are not actively supervising or subordinate to each other.

Yohkomori · 31-35, M

@JollyRoger My father, he's been a selfless man as long as I've been aware of. It sounds corny, but he always,taught me to be kind and think of others, and surprisingly that stuck...moreso than most in my generation, at least locally ( not nitpicking just calling itl ike I see).
What little psych knowledge I picked up is self taught via reading up on a range of subjects in my adolescence and early adult life. To make a long story short my parents divorced when I was 10 and it took a toll on me like it can in anyone at that age. I read up on the theories on grief, on self awareness and concepts much in those veins then and I guess a lot of what made sense to me with no background in it has ingrained this selfless ideology I tend to have in situations like this even further past what my upbringing did. As such when I'm emotional and in distress about something I can't vocalize right, I think and organize my thoughts like this.

I'll have to read up on mazlow but I do recall a pyramid and the needs of self( think that's what it's called) in one of the books I dove into. Looking at it as you describe I suppose I'm off two minds because addressing my need as a person conflicts with my need for a job should this go awry. It's far more likely than it should be today for a guy to mis construe affection/ infatuation as kindness....or rather it's safer to lie on that side of such a distinction. As traversing the other direction can get you called out or worse..jobless and labeled or otherwise marred when you go to find a future job.

As for your latter suggestion. This company two years ago was a couple, they still own and operate it, so while it has grown to several dozen in employ it isn't structured enough to where there are a need for more than myself as lead of one sector and my coworker who leads the other sector. And the simple answer is she isn't a good fit for that part of the job site. Lacks the skills for it ( currently) and technical data/ physical certification for that side of this.

JollyRoger · 70-79, M

@Yohkomori But your heart is set? Then have a talk with her and tell her that you'd like to get to know her by dating her. If she says she'd like that, then take it to your employer and ask their opinion.... as a married couple they will likely understand and either they are willing to take the risk or they will tell you what you might be able to do. The issue here is that IF things go wrong and she isn't the lady you think she is, then it becomes a problem - for you, not for the company: But by being up front with your desire, you will have the company at your back. If all goes well.... then everyone gets to be happy and you'll have a wonderful wedding and life.

Yohkomori · 31-35, M

@JollyRoger you've given me quite a bit to think on, deciding on if I'm ready wasn't wat was in my mind when this situation became something I wrote about. I have to think on that, but you might be on to something. If I am actually ready or not, and am set on this.

Eternity · 26-30, M

In my opinion, good, for the sake of good alone, is not a position worth taking.

There are a lot of "good" people out there that facilitate bad things because doing anything about it would entail them acting in ways that are "not good".

Humans are gray creatures. We are capable of good and bad for a reason; because sometimes bad things need to be done to change conditions for the better.

Yin and yang and all that.

I think balance is a much better goal to have.

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@Eternity could not agree more.

Lanie78 · 46-50, F

If you're too nice people tend to walk all over you. Good guys are great, but being a yes man, do anything for anyone type guy, sadly people will take advantage.
Learn to say no. It's not unkind to know when you need step back and take care of yourself to! Oh and this is the same for women to obviously.

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Lanie78 · 46-50, F

@Yohkomori Well if you're happy I. Your job and don't wish to jeapordise it I'd have a word with the flirty colleague. Explain your position and the predicament their behaviour puts you in. Outside of work not an issue as much but if it would jeapordise your jobs and you value your jobs probably not wise to pursue anything. Sorry for misunderstanding earlier.

Yohkomori · 31-35, M

@Lanie78 No apology needed, I respect anyone trying to give genuinely good advice.

Talking about it is hard when your the superior and its awkward when the "out of work convo" then can affect "at work" team dynamic. That much I've seen firsthand previously....hence my mulling it over on here vs talking about it aloud. ....though you make a decent point about saying something vs nothing at all..

JollyRoger · 70-79, M

@Yohkomori I just read your reply to @Lanie78.
As I see it, the situation is still quite OK.... BUT: I what you say about the 'touchy, feely'.... that brings back to mind an employee I once hired based on her apparent work ethic as it was displayed to me; however, as soon as she got the job, she changed and it became evident that the reason she displayed the work ethic (it came via her references too) was just a game: After getting the position, she settled back and started to play the 'come-on' game with me.... offering sex and spending time having similar suggestive discussions with others. It boiled down to the idea that since she obtained the promotion into the job I was responsible to fill, that now, she could/should find a way to advance even higher - including using sex as a tool for advancement. I did not fall into her plan, but I definitely learned from it. The sad part was that she did not perform the tasks for which I had engaged her, i.e., Work!
Someone is now going to ask me why I didn't fire her.... This was a government public service position and I was powerless to fight against the union. I had an opportunity to leave before the situation became a crisis.
Bottom line: You'll have to judge if her interest in you is real or if it's just to advance herself further in the corporation.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

Ask for either you or the other person to be transferred to another department or location.

Probably the only workable solution. Most companies do frown at minimum on supervisor/employee relations. Yet not always the case.

Yohkomori · 31-35, M

@DeWayfarer if our brand was big enough for multiple locations that would be an option. As of yet we are just one store tho.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

@Yohkomori I didn't see that mentioned. Had to assume otherwise.

PoeticPlay · 56-60, M

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