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JollyRoger · 70-79, M
I like your attitude. It's thoughtful and mature.
I think you 'overthink'....(not that I'm trying to be nasty - just helpful). Somewhere in your up-bringing you have picked up the idea that you have to let your own needs be secondary to the needs of others.
I think you may have studied a but of psychology to get to where you are (actually I think that's part of it: You're acting like a psychologist). but if you examine the work of Abram Mazlow and his postulate on 'the hierarchies of needs' you'll see that you have ascended to the top of the pyramid but have fallen off because you have not addressed your own basic need. I hope that gives you a starting point to understand yourself.
Now: about the lady who works for you - If you are in a position where you have influence, approach your own supervisor (or higher management) and see (after asking her if she's interested to 'get to know you better') if there's another supervisor who she might be shifted to so you won't be in a position of conflict. There are many organizations where husbands and wives share the same employer but are not actively supervising or subordinate to each other.
I think you 'overthink'....(not that I'm trying to be nasty - just helpful). Somewhere in your up-bringing you have picked up the idea that you have to let your own needs be secondary to the needs of others.
I think you may have studied a but of psychology to get to where you are (actually I think that's part of it: You're acting like a psychologist). but if you examine the work of Abram Mazlow and his postulate on 'the hierarchies of needs' you'll see that you have ascended to the top of the pyramid but have fallen off because you have not addressed your own basic need. I hope that gives you a starting point to understand yourself.
Now: about the lady who works for you - If you are in a position where you have influence, approach your own supervisor (or higher management) and see (after asking her if she's interested to 'get to know you better') if there's another supervisor who she might be shifted to so you won't be in a position of conflict. There are many organizations where husbands and wives share the same employer but are not actively supervising or subordinate to each other.
Yohkomori · 31-35, M
@JollyRoger My father, he's been a selfless man as long as I've been aware of. It sounds corny, but he always,taught me to be kind and think of others, and surprisingly that stuck...moreso than most in my generation, at least locally ( not nitpicking just calling itl ike I see).
What little psych knowledge I picked up is self taught via reading up on a range of subjects in my adolescence and early adult life. To make a long story short my parents divorced when I was 10 and it took a toll on me like it can in anyone at that age. I read up on the theories on grief, on self awareness and concepts much in those veins then and I guess a lot of what made sense to me with no background in it has ingrained this selfless ideology I tend to have in situations like this even further past what my upbringing did. As such when I'm emotional and in distress about something I can't vocalize right, I think and organize my thoughts like this.
I'll have to read up on mazlow but I do recall a pyramid and the needs of self( think that's what it's called) in one of the books I dove into. Looking at it as you describe I suppose I'm off two minds because addressing my need as a person conflicts with my need for a job should this go awry. It's far more likely than it should be today for a guy to mis construe affection/ infatuation as kindness....or rather it's safer to lie on that side of such a distinction. As traversing the other direction can get you called out or worse..jobless and labeled or otherwise marred when you go to find a future job.
As for your latter suggestion. This company two years ago was a couple, they still own and operate it, so while it has grown to several dozen in employ it isn't structured enough to where there are a need for more than myself as lead of one sector and my coworker who leads the other sector. And the simple answer is she isn't a good fit for that part of the job site. Lacks the skills for it ( currently) and technical data/ physical certification for that side of this.
What little psych knowledge I picked up is self taught via reading up on a range of subjects in my adolescence and early adult life. To make a long story short my parents divorced when I was 10 and it took a toll on me like it can in anyone at that age. I read up on the theories on grief, on self awareness and concepts much in those veins then and I guess a lot of what made sense to me with no background in it has ingrained this selfless ideology I tend to have in situations like this even further past what my upbringing did. As such when I'm emotional and in distress about something I can't vocalize right, I think and organize my thoughts like this.
I'll have to read up on mazlow but I do recall a pyramid and the needs of self( think that's what it's called) in one of the books I dove into. Looking at it as you describe I suppose I'm off two minds because addressing my need as a person conflicts with my need for a job should this go awry. It's far more likely than it should be today for a guy to mis construe affection/ infatuation as kindness....or rather it's safer to lie on that side of such a distinction. As traversing the other direction can get you called out or worse..jobless and labeled or otherwise marred when you go to find a future job.
As for your latter suggestion. This company two years ago was a couple, they still own and operate it, so while it has grown to several dozen in employ it isn't structured enough to where there are a need for more than myself as lead of one sector and my coworker who leads the other sector. And the simple answer is she isn't a good fit for that part of the job site. Lacks the skills for it ( currently) and technical data/ physical certification for that side of this.
JollyRoger · 70-79, M
@Yohkomori But your heart is set? Then have a talk with her and tell her that you'd like to get to know her by dating her. If she says she'd like that, then take it to your employer and ask their opinion.... as a married couple they will likely understand and either they are willing to take the risk or they will tell you what you might be able to do. The issue here is that IF things go wrong and she isn't the lady you think she is, then it becomes a problem - for you, not for the company: But by being up front with your desire, you will have the company at your back. If all goes well.... then everyone gets to be happy and you'll have a wonderful wedding and life.
Yohkomori · 31-35, M
@JollyRoger you've given me quite a bit to think on, deciding on if I'm ready wasn't wat was in my mind when this situation became something I wrote about. I have to think on that, but you might be on to something. If I am actually ready or not, and am set on this.
Eternity · 22-25, M
In my opinion, good, for the sake of good alone, is not a position worth taking.
There are a lot of "good" people out there that facilitate bad things because doing anything about it would entail them acting in ways that are "not good".
Humans are gray creatures. We are capable of good and bad for a reason; because sometimes bad things need to be done to change conditions for the better.
Yin and yang and all that.
I think balance is a much better goal to have.
There are a lot of "good" people out there that facilitate bad things because doing anything about it would entail them acting in ways that are "not good".
Humans are gray creatures. We are capable of good and bad for a reason; because sometimes bad things need to be done to change conditions for the better.
Yin and yang and all that.
I think balance is a much better goal to have.
DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F
@Eternity could not agree more.
Lanie78 · 41-45, F
If you're too nice people tend to walk all over you. Good guys are great, but being a yes man, do anything for anyone type guy, sadly people will take advantage.
Learn to say no. It's not unkind to know when you need step back and take care of yourself to! Oh and this is the same for women to obviously.
Learn to say no. It's not unkind to know when you need step back and take care of yourself to! Oh and this is the same for women to obviously.
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Lanie78 · 41-45, F
@Yohkomori Well if you're happy I. Your job and don't wish to jeapordise it I'd have a word with the flirty colleague. Explain your position and the predicament their behaviour puts you in. Outside of work not an issue as much but if it would jeapordise your jobs and you value your jobs probably not wise to pursue anything. Sorry for misunderstanding earlier.
Yohkomori · 31-35, M
@Lanie78 No apology needed, I respect anyone trying to give genuinely good advice.
Talking about it is hard when your the superior and its awkward when the "out of work convo" then can affect "at work" team dynamic. That much I've seen firsthand previously....hence my mulling it over on here vs talking about it aloud. ....though you make a decent point about saying something vs nothing at all..
Talking about it is hard when your the superior and its awkward when the "out of work convo" then can affect "at work" team dynamic. That much I've seen firsthand previously....hence my mulling it over on here vs talking about it aloud. ....though you make a decent point about saying something vs nothing at all..
JollyRoger · 70-79, M
@Yohkomori I just read your reply to @Lanie78.
As I see it, the situation is still quite OK.... BUT: I what you say about the 'touchy, feely'.... that brings back to mind an employee I once hired based on her apparent work ethic as it was displayed to me; however, as soon as she got the job, she changed and it became evident that the reason she displayed the work ethic (it came via her references too) was just a game: After getting the position, she settled back and started to play the 'come-on' game with me.... offering sex and spending time having similar suggestive discussions with others. It boiled down to the idea that since she obtained the promotion into the job I was responsible to fill, that now, she could/should find a way to advance even higher - including using sex as a tool for advancement. I did not fall into her plan, but I definitely learned from it. The sad part was that she did not perform the tasks for which I had engaged her, i.e., Work!
Someone is now going to ask me why I didn't fire her.... This was a government public service position and I was powerless to fight against the union. I had an opportunity to leave before the situation became a crisis.
Bottom line: You'll have to judge if her interest in you is real or if it's just to advance herself further in the corporation.
As I see it, the situation is still quite OK.... BUT: I what you say about the 'touchy, feely'.... that brings back to mind an employee I once hired based on her apparent work ethic as it was displayed to me; however, as soon as she got the job, she changed and it became evident that the reason she displayed the work ethic (it came via her references too) was just a game: After getting the position, she settled back and started to play the 'come-on' game with me.... offering sex and spending time having similar suggestive discussions with others. It boiled down to the idea that since she obtained the promotion into the job I was responsible to fill, that now, she could/should find a way to advance even higher - including using sex as a tool for advancement. I did not fall into her plan, but I definitely learned from it. The sad part was that she did not perform the tasks for which I had engaged her, i.e., Work!
Someone is now going to ask me why I didn't fire her.... This was a government public service position and I was powerless to fight against the union. I had an opportunity to leave before the situation became a crisis.
Bottom line: You'll have to judge if her interest in you is real or if it's just to advance herself further in the corporation.
DeWayfarer · 61-69, M
Ask for either you or the other person to be transferred to another department or location.
Probably the only workable solution. Most companies do frown at minimum on supervisor/employee relations. Yet not always the case.
Probably the only workable solution. Most companies do frown at minimum on supervisor/employee relations. Yet not always the case.
DeWayfarer · 61-69, M
@Yohkomori I didn't see that mentioned. Had to assume otherwise.
PoeticPlay · 51-55, M
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