"Picking my hill to die on..."
..So to speak, is super difficult. I try to be the person who is innately good/ people look to. I've been like this since I was young. I don't begrudge being the "nice guy". in fact its still the way I want to be. At times like this it sucks though, having a self-imposed standard I hold myself to..
Perhaps I'm feeling drained from "the grind", perhaps its that I question my choices that got me where I am...but times like this, where my active decision to be someone people trust and feel safe around, who people look to and listen to; so much so that I've been put into a role of empowerment over others. This is what we all strive for, being promoted in our jobs/ careers and it means we are good and doing well... but it also means you have to act differently/ consider your actions/ intentions all the more...
Even a month ago when we were equals, I debated speaking to that person, finally opening up after years of stoic self-imposed celibacy, to tell them I would want to know them better. That they uplift me, mentally and spiritually. I thought about it at length...too long it seems.
Now, I "couldn't" speak that freely. I'm their boss, its not fair to put them in such a conversation...let alone what the outcome of the conversation may be...yet I feel free, and at peace around them. I like my job, and don't wish to jeopardize it....yet I want, nay...I wish I could tell them I think I'm in love.
It feels weird to say, even to my self. It's been an age since someone made me feel this way. I've got butterflies in my stomach....I'm a grown man and yet I've got butterflies in my stomach! I only know her through work....and not even well, yet she puts me at ease just being around.....yet I "cant" speak on it. Even if she's actually feeling the same, my own moral compass would rather have me languishing what could be vs make it happen....all cause its not the "accepted" thing to do. Bosses don't get with staff, that's taboo and usually goes bad...and yet its on my mind.
Thus, im here rambling into a overly-lit screen as I contemplate doing what I shouldn't vs sticking to what I should. Things are finally going my way after a few years of struggle, and I'm finally feeling better mentally because of that....and now my heart/ brain have to disagree over a person who may just be "being friendly" ...wanting me to risk it all for that fantastical thing the movies call "love", when even if I do take the plunge its probably just my dumb-ass misreading people....again.
Is it too much to ask for, to want to share my joy and adventures in life with someone WHILE things are going well? It seems I get one or the other...and have yet to experience both....maybe I'm jaded from last time.
I opened my heart to that one, when we were both young and foolish...We were inseparable, then as fast as it started, we became distant. we had 6 years together, yet it felt in ways like a life time and in others lime moments. I bared my soul to that one, and for a time she tried to do the same....but as has happened to me before, that one got tired of me...treated me like an object, a tool to keep her going vs seeing me as her companion on the journey of life...as I seen her. Since we separated I closed up my heart, what was left of it. I had my grieving time, I worked past my regrets and opened my heart to others and the prospect of finding someone again.
That was 3 years ago, I've tried but largely "struck out" I'm always the shoulder to cry on, or person to rely on...but never seem to resonate with someone like I had that previous time. That time I felt it in the fibres of my being that "they were right for me". haven't felt that since. Then this person comes along at my job, where I've made a place for my self, and cemented I'm valued and respected my my colleagues. I fit here, and feel like I'm still going places at the same time....and then they came along and I was ecstatic. someone with my hobbies who's also has my kind of energy/an energy I am attuned with. They are funny, kind knowledgeable, and despite a lot of people lately, they know what real struggle is and in spite of that make the most of life vs wallow in it.
But I waited too long, I got a promotion and now me saying all this to them would put them into a power vacuum in our workspace, and even if we could make it work and "all lights are green" company policy means one or both of us could be fired....and I simply cant risk it. I need this job.
I just wish my brain and heart could harmonize and accept I cant pursue this...or rather, doing so is likely self destructive. More so than even this inner monologue I've now inducted you all to. It was simpler, being unaware of these long dormant emotions and feelings...Yet, I now crave those happiness-inducing emotions I would/could/do get from being around this person....What I wouldn't give for a "return to last save point" button for a sitch like this....yet this is real life, with real consequences...and thus I shouldn't/couldn't/ can't react like my heart wants. Instead I'll post this here for an older "me" to revisit with a new "regret" despite trying to live without those, still half unsure then if I made the right call by doing/ not doing something about these thoughts. Because in reality, the "happily-ever after"s only come to those in the right place at the right time with the right person AT THEIR OWN "right time"..and as much as the current me wants this, I don't think it is "my right time".
For someone who's made up their mind about how to act, I clearly suck at "picking my hill to die on"....
Perhaps I'm feeling drained from "the grind", perhaps its that I question my choices that got me where I am...but times like this, where my active decision to be someone people trust and feel safe around, who people look to and listen to; so much so that I've been put into a role of empowerment over others. This is what we all strive for, being promoted in our jobs/ careers and it means we are good and doing well... but it also means you have to act differently/ consider your actions/ intentions all the more...
Even a month ago when we were equals, I debated speaking to that person, finally opening up after years of stoic self-imposed celibacy, to tell them I would want to know them better. That they uplift me, mentally and spiritually. I thought about it at length...too long it seems.
Now, I "couldn't" speak that freely. I'm their boss, its not fair to put them in such a conversation...let alone what the outcome of the conversation may be...yet I feel free, and at peace around them. I like my job, and don't wish to jeopardize it....yet I want, nay...I wish I could tell them I think I'm in love.
It feels weird to say, even to my self. It's been an age since someone made me feel this way. I've got butterflies in my stomach....I'm a grown man and yet I've got butterflies in my stomach! I only know her through work....and not even well, yet she puts me at ease just being around.....yet I "cant" speak on it. Even if she's actually feeling the same, my own moral compass would rather have me languishing what could be vs make it happen....all cause its not the "accepted" thing to do. Bosses don't get with staff, that's taboo and usually goes bad...and yet its on my mind.
Thus, im here rambling into a overly-lit screen as I contemplate doing what I shouldn't vs sticking to what I should. Things are finally going my way after a few years of struggle, and I'm finally feeling better mentally because of that....and now my heart/ brain have to disagree over a person who may just be "being friendly" ...wanting me to risk it all for that fantastical thing the movies call "love", when even if I do take the plunge its probably just my dumb-ass misreading people....again.
Is it too much to ask for, to want to share my joy and adventures in life with someone WHILE things are going well? It seems I get one or the other...and have yet to experience both....maybe I'm jaded from last time.
I opened my heart to that one, when we were both young and foolish...We were inseparable, then as fast as it started, we became distant. we had 6 years together, yet it felt in ways like a life time and in others lime moments. I bared my soul to that one, and for a time she tried to do the same....but as has happened to me before, that one got tired of me...treated me like an object, a tool to keep her going vs seeing me as her companion on the journey of life...as I seen her. Since we separated I closed up my heart, what was left of it. I had my grieving time, I worked past my regrets and opened my heart to others and the prospect of finding someone again.
That was 3 years ago, I've tried but largely "struck out" I'm always the shoulder to cry on, or person to rely on...but never seem to resonate with someone like I had that previous time. That time I felt it in the fibres of my being that "they were right for me". haven't felt that since. Then this person comes along at my job, where I've made a place for my self, and cemented I'm valued and respected my my colleagues. I fit here, and feel like I'm still going places at the same time....and then they came along and I was ecstatic. someone with my hobbies who's also has my kind of energy/an energy I am attuned with. They are funny, kind knowledgeable, and despite a lot of people lately, they know what real struggle is and in spite of that make the most of life vs wallow in it.
But I waited too long, I got a promotion and now me saying all this to them would put them into a power vacuum in our workspace, and even if we could make it work and "all lights are green" company policy means one or both of us could be fired....and I simply cant risk it. I need this job.
I just wish my brain and heart could harmonize and accept I cant pursue this...or rather, doing so is likely self destructive. More so than even this inner monologue I've now inducted you all to. It was simpler, being unaware of these long dormant emotions and feelings...Yet, I now crave those happiness-inducing emotions I would/could/do get from being around this person....What I wouldn't give for a "return to last save point" button for a sitch like this....yet this is real life, with real consequences...and thus I shouldn't/couldn't/ can't react like my heart wants. Instead I'll post this here for an older "me" to revisit with a new "regret" despite trying to live without those, still half unsure then if I made the right call by doing/ not doing something about these thoughts. Because in reality, the "happily-ever after"s only come to those in the right place at the right time with the right person AT THEIR OWN "right time"..and as much as the current me wants this, I don't think it is "my right time".
For someone who's made up their mind about how to act, I clearly suck at "picking my hill to die on"....
