Domination and submission on line

I was thinking about why a dominant/submissive relationship that is online only can be so very good.

If I (for example) kiss you (for example) in an online chat, it can feel wonderful if we have good imaginations, but it isn't really happening.

But if you (for example) dominate me (for example), the dominance and submission are really happening. I really am giving over some power to you, you really are taking some control over me.

D/S is perfect for an online / long-distance relationship because the central "sex act", the exchange of power, is as real as it would be anywhere.

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sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

I know this is not the specific topic of your post, but we've known each other for enough years that I'm hoping you'll grant me some latitude.

D/s relationships have always been a bit of a fascination to me. There must be some kind of "spectrum" upon which we all fall that describes our need for control (or need to rescind control).

In my case, as you know, I cannot imagine giving up personal control at all. But neither do I seek to control my partner.

There's an old saying, "Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Do not walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." This describes my desire for all my personal relationships, romantic and otherwise.

So when I encounter people desiring some kind of D/s relationship, it just seems so foreign to me (please know: not in a judgemental way, just in a curiosity way.) I know that this type of relationship is desired by so many and provides them great satisfaction. It's just something that is so outside my world that I find it so curious. 🤷‍♀

LeotardWearer · 56-60, M

@sarabee1995 That's a very sensible message and thoughts.

For me personally, although I have explored the idea of a D/s relationship (appeals to my sexually submissive side) I am sure I would either be deemed unworthy by the other party (not maintaining the proper submission) or decide myself that I could not cope with not having a relationship of equals. Good luck to those people who find a way to make this dynamic work for their relationship. I suspect for me its a fantasy and reality would crash and burn :-)

ThePatientAnarchist · 61-69

@sarabee1995 talking with you is always such a deep pleasure.

People's desires do vary. Judging by what professional online dominatrixes offer, a lot of men wish to be insulted and degraded. I don't understand that at all.

I also would probably not want my major full-time relationship to be one of dominance and submission rather than equality.

But as for where the desire for erotic submission that I do very deeply have comes from, certainly part of it is that I carry a lot of responsibility for others in daily life and it is thrilling to just let go. Of course, your life is also full of responsibility so apparently that isn't the only ingredient but I know it is part of the dynamic for others as well.

This may be a more distinct personal reason: my earliest experiences of exotic desire were of being overwhelmed by something I could not control. In particular, the very first time I experienced intense desire was when I was 11, I think, at school. There was a strawberry-blonde girl sitting across the classroom, and every time I looked in her direction I got a hard-on. It was completely involuntary (and I had no notion of what to do about it; I never spoke to her). Perhaps that became an unconscious template for me of eros as loss of control.

Sara, I've answered your deep question honestly. Any negative comments from others on our exchange here would be deleted 😡 I look forward to further exchanges with you though about this or anything else.

PatientlyWaiting25 · 46-50, F

Can't see how that can possibly be true. For the power exchange to be real and meaningful, D/s relationships require intense psychological and emotional connection that's built on communication and trust. How do you develop that online with a stranger you never met?

LeotardWearer · 56-60, M

@PatientlyWaiting25 I had a 4 month “connection” with a lady online that was D/s. Definitely needs a long term relationship for it to be valid. I am still not sure that any true understanding can be established online. There is always that superficial nature of online. I suspect 99.9% is just findom

PatientlyWaiting25 · 46-50, F

@LeotardWearer exactly. It can only ever be superficial online and leave you wanting more.

ThePatientAnarchist · 61-69

@PatientlyWaiting25 @LeotardWearer all I can tell you is that I have had that in a years-long relationship. Don't you feel close enough to some people on here, or elsewhere on line, that something deep could happen?

OogieBoogie · F

Have you had a D/s relationship in real life ?

ThePatientAnarchist · 61-69

@OogieBoogie irl I've only experimented with it with lovers in otherwise vanilla relationships. What about you?

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