I Am An Atheist

I was born into a Muslim family and believed in Islam until I made the conscious decision to leave at around age 14 or 15. I'm almost 16 now.

But if anyone asked, I would say I left at 13. Because that's when I developed a new perspective on certain issues and new morals, and they were generally incompatible with the morals and perspectives Islam teaches. I wouldn't have realised that until I was around 14 or 15.

I can't give you an exact number because I went back and forth on whether to identify as an atheist or what. So my beliefs at particular points in my life can just be big old blurs. It's hard to ditch ideas you've grown up with all your life. It's a confusing period of time, when a part of your identity becomes insecure. Especially since I was thinking about my gender identity at the same time. But that's another story.

There's this article I remember reading about that reminds me a lot of how I dealt with religion. If I remember correctly, the writer was on a trip to North Korea. The authorities there had set it up so that the people on the trip would have developed a skewed perspective on what the country was like. For example, the hotel there would have had marble floors and chandeliers, but there would have been a problem with running water because the authorities can only cover up so much.

Similarly, on the inside, being a part of Islam felt like there were so many good things about it. I can't even think of an example of one of the things I considered nice about Islam, but there was a lot of it. There were a lot of chandeliers and a lot of marble floors. I believed in it and I defended it.

But when I take a step back, I now notice the running water issues.

I notice all the problems deep rooted within Islam, and it's actually not hard to realise when I reflect on what I truly believed I was when I was religious.

Just an example; I thought I was a feminist. I thought things like the hijab were for a woman's own good. In hindsight, it's obvious that I was nowhere near a feminist when I think about the judgments I would have made about certain women. I was far from it. I was the complete polar opposite. I won't talk too much about it because I would have to go into a lot of detail and I'd like to keep this on the surface for now.

Religion does that to you, though. You don't consider that maybe the marble floors are fake.

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BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

Very well written, shows that you have grown up a lot in the past period you were away :P ;)

Well, you have left religion so much earlier than I did, but then I live in an Arabic Islamic society, true that it is diverse, yet the country runs by Islamic laws, so religion cannot be questioned and no one really identifies themselves as atheists here, so it is difficult to lose your faith, frankly if it was not for the fact that EP put me through a “westerner virtual society” where people engaged me in religious arguments and where I interacted with atheists, I don’t think I would have ever lost it, because I could not have genuinely questioned my religion if it was not for this.

Now as regards Islam and Hijab, yes, these two things are very far from feminism and women’s rights, asking women to cover up means that she is looked at as a sexual product, if anything, men should be respectful enough not to drool over each and every woman, I don’t need to cover up for this to happen, the action should not be on my part.

I understand when you say you can’t exactly determine as to when you lost your faith, I can’t either, I thought I lost it in 2013, but FB brought back to me posts that confirmed that I did not at the time, I guess I went back and forth with the whole faith thing in 2013 and I lost it somewhere in 2014, but I could never determine exactly when, because it was a lengthy process where thoughts went through my head, but once I fully did, I never went back, once you do, you can’t just ignore it, it becomes impossible to go back to all of this bullshit.

ProfessorProcrastinator

Yeah I definitely have grown up a lot when I look back lmao but don't worry I'm still childish enough to annoy the hell out of you on a regular basis 😈

Yeah, I definitely understand your situation. Similarly, I wouldn't have formed new opinions on things if I hadn't been on the internet from so young and for so long and read about different opinions. The school I go to is very heavily Muslim populated, despite being secular so I definitely wouldn't have developed a new, stronger identity if it wasn't for the internet. So I definitely see where you're coming from there.

There's so many things wrong with the hijab from a feminist point of view, and your point is only one of them. One of the first things I found fishy when I began questioning Islam is this whole "hijab is an act of modesty" bullshit. Does that mean that women not wearing the hijab are immodest? Are "modest" women the only ones worthy of respect? Because you don't have to be explicitly told these things for them to manifest into misogyny within you. It's basic when you think about it - your mind only needs to take in a certain amount of information for it to make links and form your morals and values. Now try having a whole bunch of little things taught to you in the form of religion.

Yes lmao I thought I was the only one. I've always heard about people dropping their religions all at once and feeling like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. It wasn't like that for me at all. I went back and forth and it was a difficult time. Following that time, I was angry. I'm not quite sure at what, but I guess it was this unconscious "I wasted 14 years of my life on this?" kind of thing. I'm still pretty angry lmao but it doesn't consume me as much and I'm so much more confident and secure with my identity as an atheist now.

Lmaooo sorry this got so lengthy

BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

@ProfessorProcrastinator: hahah no one can annoy the hell outta me specially kids like you ;) ;)

Oh your school is of a Muslim one, that's a shame! I really thought the reason you formed this new perspective is because you live in this secular society but it appears that it is limited and that internet once again played a good role in this, sometimes I feel I was raised by the internet (like lorde says!) Not by my parents, becaue my values and life perspective have nothing to do with theirs, so I definitely got them from somewhere outside!

The whole concept of modesty is stupid. First of all why does it apply only to women? Religion always imply that it is women who are required to be modest. Theb religion goes further and defines modesty and considers everyone that does not fall within these limits to be immodest and consequently bad when I see no link between being a good person and being covered or not, it is such a stupid logic, I have no idea whatsoever how they got us to believe it before but they did and I think it is because of what you said, such concepts indirectly root in us this stupid thinking which is far from feminism.

I don't think anyone has ever dropped their religion all at once, does not make sense because the process takes some good thinking and questioning, I think you could believe all at once, becaue believing in something does not require you use your head, you choose to believe this end of story, but choosing to leave has to have reasons and to reason you have to think, so it is very normal and specially for us Muslims because we are usually deeply indoctrinated so it takes real strength and thinking to be able to take the decision. Even I after I lost my faith, I still for quite a while felt that people were talking about me when they talked about Muslims !! I would get offended still, it took me so long to entirely lose my whole identity. I don't identify myself as atheist by the way, but then I think the fact that you are a lot yonger than me makes you more impulsive and maybe confident on deciding your situation whereas in my situation I feel the more I grew up the more I became cautious and worried about consequences... Oh look at this, I also wrote a lot!!!

ProfessorProcrastinator

@MissGaga: Remember when you said you didn't add kids like me to your circle? Don't make me prove you wrong again 😝

I really am a child of the internet. If school did anything, it made me pursue better answers since the ones my peers would have provided for me would usually be unsatisfying.

Something that bothered me even when I believed was the whole "women are impure during periods" concept. Every time I asked, classmates would say things like "Almighty Allah is giving women a break bc it's hard for them!!1! #religionoffeminism" but it didn't make sense bc it's not like God's saying "you don't have to if you don't want to :)", he deadass said "y'all nasty and I don't want prayers from your nasty @sses". So I went and looked for my answer elsewhere and there it was in the Hadith: "that is the deficiency in her religion". I don't know if there's a way to interpret that positively, but it sounds to me God hates women so much that he made them "deficient" in practicing their own religion.

You hit the nail on the head, all of what you said is right. I'm not particularly strictly atheist or anything, I'm open to learning and considering different things. I'm actually interested in spirituality, though that's quite different. But for now, yes I think the universe is a mystery, but I don't think answering that mystery with another mystery makes a whole lot of sense. And that's what God is - another mystery.

BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

@ProfessorProcrastinator:

hahahah damn, you are not letting this go, are you!

I often had questions in mind during school, but I was too confident that I am right already so didn't bother asking, which is why after I lost my faith, lots and lots of questions started to appear, they didn't appear suddenly, I am sure they were always there!

Yeah, I have been always all for women rights, so I kinda got excited about anything in my religion that could be interpreted as something good for women! One of these things was the fact that women are given a "break" during their period, or so I liked to interpret it, when it is not the case, I simply ignored lots of religious references that imply women are impure, like the Hadith you are referring to, it says that women lack religion (as compared to men) and the interpretation is because they don't pray or fast during these days so they lack it, that's funny, it is not like they chose to not pray, they were ordered to, so they are ordered and then are accused of the lack of religion because of it?!! No sense.

I agree, my dear, I think I am open now for exploring new things which is why I call myself agnostic, to remain in between and give myself the chance to try and clear this mystery a little bit more, and maybe I will turn an atheist one day after I question more, who knows, but I will definitely never go back to religion, because once it is exposed to you, it is exposed to you!