My heat doesn't work great in my little wing of the house, last winter was absolutely miserable.
This little thing works really well. Can't believe I have to use it already, it's gonna be 40° tonight.
The leaves aren't really changing yet. I've been bundling up for my walks. The cold does keep people off the beach, but not me lol
I will have on my layers, a hot tea and bare feet toes in the water. Blue feet.
I am feeling very unapologetic for my shortcomings. My heart grows warmer as the days get colder and it's for myself. Many of the things I wish for I give myself these days. I started drawing again. Monsters. Sirens. I think I've started a mixed media piece.
I want my courage back. I'm tired of shrinking and shaking. Fear. I have to deal with it my way. I have to create my safe place. I figure out so much alone. I wish therapy helped but I do better alone.
Main thing is I slowed way down. It's been a grueling ten years. A decade since I got divorced. I packed a lot of adventure and learning in. But 30's are over and chronic pain is a thing and I'm ready to chill. The anxiety is really active, I used to feed it with busyness but it needed rest. I am a flop. I have let everyone down. I'm barely to not on speaking terms with the family I have left but at least I am myself.
That's what I needed more than anything. To just be me. I've been trying to make some pretty miserable people, jobs, situations into happy ones. It was impossible. And I do better when I surrender a bit for that balance. Hope can die sometimes. It's okay.
I spent extra time with my dog today and that felt so good. I wore him out poor old boy. He got many sniffs. I'll probably here his puppy dream woofs before I fall asleep.
I'm lighting a candle for the ones I've lost tonight. To honor how they made me who I am. Someone I can like. Finally. Peace.
