For those in recovery still .. what do you think of this ..

It gets hard day by day .. I’m becoming a dry drunk because I’m not working on what caused my drinking and being at peace with the world .. I’m just abstaining from alcohol and meth because both my parents have passed on, and I know there is no mommy and daddy to come save me .. I still feel like a 12 year old boy a lot of the time .. goofy, silly, nonsensical.. and I when I think of the past which I was made fun of ridiculed and beat up .. I get enraged.. almost hostile ..
I’m always quiet. And just keep to myself .. I talk to myself a lot out loud because that’s what I did when I had no friends so I made up narratives ..
sometimes at night I talk to god and just listen to what’s around me .. then it gets quiet .. and I sit and wonder what my purpose is in this world ..
I think about past girlfriends but they’ve all moved on and are happy with kids and husbands so I leave them alone .. and sometimes I wonder .. why couldn’t I have been a father and a husband to these broads?.. and it’s I’ve always just been childish and immature for them .. I’m nearing my 40’s and I know it’s time to grow up, and move on..