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Faroutcat

46-50, M

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Twisted

I was the original weirdo before everyone else got weird

I remember when I was the only weirdo in my neighborhood. I took pride in knowing that everyone thought I was weird. Then other people started becoming weird and some were even weirder than me. Nowadays everyone is weird and I don’t feel special...

The synchronized sausage swinging team sign up here.

I’m the new captain of the synchronized sausage swinging team. Anyone else want to join?

Second hand underpants

I buy my underpants at the second hand store because they’re cheaper and more comfortable. Someone else broke them in so they are loose and sometimes even have holes in them.

I’m a sleepwalker

Yesterday morning I woke up sitting in a restaurant with pancakes in my mouth. I have no idea how I got there.

Did you know Eileen Dover and Jack Doff?

Transgender Farm Animals

Once upon a time, there was a farm where some of the women cows 🐄 transition into man cows🐮 And the boy chickens 🐓 become girl chickens 🐔 And miss piggy 🐖 will be mister piggy 🐷 And they all lived happily ever after THE EN...

A vampire, an alien, or Bigfoot?

Which one would you rather see outside at night?

Some people are like Slinkys

They don’t really have a purpose. But they can bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Do you enjoy watching them? I’ve watched those cute, skinny Asian girls eat huge portions of food and never gain weight. They probably make a lot of money by promoting the different restaurants the food comes from. But how do they stay so thin after...

Do you like shaved nuts on your brownie?

PINNED

Do you throw your old shoes up on the telephone wires?

We throw our old sneakers up on the telephone wires… and our socks… and our underpants.

I’m going into my portal.

There is a portal in my bedroom closet. My portal can take me anywhere. It can take me to other dimensions and other worlds in other universes and I can go back in time or into the future and I can fly to the moon and around the sun and see all the...

My two peepers are back!

The two ladies across the street are back. They must’ve been on vacation but now they are back. I call them peepers because they are always looking out the window.

How am I supposed to know who is an idiot?

PINNED

When I was a kid, my mother used to warn me not to talk to any idiots in school. But I didn’t know who the idiots were. So, I would always ask the other kids if they were idiots. Because how else was I supposed to know?

Can I use my electric blanket to keep my bath water from getting cold?

I want to live in a plastic house!

Plastic floors and plastic doors. Plastic walls and plastic halls. I want to sit on plastic chairs and sleep in my plastic bed. I want a plastic car parked in my plastic garage. I want to eat plastic food so I can take a shit on my plastic toilet....

Emotional support kangaroo 🦘

PINNED

My therapist advised me to get an emotional support animal for my anxiety. So, I’m having a kangaroo shipped to America from Australia. It should be here in about 6 to 8 weeks. I can’t wait to take my kangaroo everywhere I go 😊.

I want to join a women’s volleyball team

They do a lot of butt-slapping. Im not very good at volleyball but I like slapping butts.

I like looking at pictures of Uranus

All of the planets are nice to look at through a telescope. But I’d rather just look at Uranus. Uranus is so beautiful. I take pictures of Uranus. Sometimes I just stare at them and dream about what it would be like to be on Uranus. To see and touch...

I’m building a giant slingshot in my backyard so I can launch people into space

It’s for those of us who cannot afford to pay whatever those billionaires are charging.