I Have Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night
This is so weird. I haven't felt this amount of pain in such a long time, that I nearly forgot it was possible.
It feels so raw, so deep, yet in some strange twisted way, it's refreshing.
I'm not here to be emo. Just to write about an epiphany that this holiday season has sprung upon me.
...I miss my mom.
It's crazy, I know. I'm a 27-year-old woman, who is out in the world, doing her own thing, but as I sat down with my makeshift family for Thanksgiving this year (and it was a great dinner, btw), I realized that there won't be many more opportunities for Thanksgivings with my mother. I also thought about how she is slowly beginning to deteriorate. It seems that she began to exponentially lose her faculties after retiring from work. She refuses to do much, many of her friends have moved away and she hasn't put forth effort into making new ones.
It's almost like she's given up.
But I've noticed that she seemed to brighten up whenever I'm around. I'm able to get her to go to the gym, try new things, see new sights. Then a spark in her eye returns, and I see the old woman that I used to adore. The woman that I aspired to be when I was younger.
I don't want to miss this opportunity to be with her now. I'm considering moving back to my hometown so that I can make her last years better than they are currently.
I have a great job now. Lots more dating prospects here in the big city (which is kind of important to me, because I do intend to settle down at some point), but despite having these things I think that family is more important. I don't want to miss out on this moment, and I can always move back out here once she passes away or whatever happens, but she is only here for now.
I'm probably not making much sense right now. I tend to revert to rudimentary vocabulary when I'm upset, so forgive my unpolished prose, but I'm only speaking from the heart.
... I miss my mother. How ridiculous.
It feels so raw, so deep, yet in some strange twisted way, it's refreshing.
I'm not here to be emo. Just to write about an epiphany that this holiday season has sprung upon me.
...I miss my mom.
It's crazy, I know. I'm a 27-year-old woman, who is out in the world, doing her own thing, but as I sat down with my makeshift family for Thanksgiving this year (and it was a great dinner, btw), I realized that there won't be many more opportunities for Thanksgivings with my mother. I also thought about how she is slowly beginning to deteriorate. It seems that she began to exponentially lose her faculties after retiring from work. She refuses to do much, many of her friends have moved away and she hasn't put forth effort into making new ones.
It's almost like she's given up.
But I've noticed that she seemed to brighten up whenever I'm around. I'm able to get her to go to the gym, try new things, see new sights. Then a spark in her eye returns, and I see the old woman that I used to adore. The woman that I aspired to be when I was younger.
I don't want to miss this opportunity to be with her now. I'm considering moving back to my hometown so that I can make her last years better than they are currently.
I have a great job now. Lots more dating prospects here in the big city (which is kind of important to me, because I do intend to settle down at some point), but despite having these things I think that family is more important. I don't want to miss out on this moment, and I can always move back out here once she passes away or whatever happens, but she is only here for now.
I'm probably not making much sense right now. I tend to revert to rudimentary vocabulary when I'm upset, so forgive my unpolished prose, but I'm only speaking from the heart.
... I miss my mother. How ridiculous.
31-35, F
