I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings
I used to be so afraid of not being in a relationship. I used to feel like I needed someone to tell me I'm beautiful in order for it to be true, and for someone to stay with me, in order for me to know that I'm someone worth being around. I used to bend over backwards to make things work that weren't really things that I wanted in the first place. I would hold my tongue when something made me uncomfortable or mad to spare the other person's feelings or to remain agreeable in their eyes.
In doing these things I gave up a part of myself. This behavior started off as an occasional concession, and then became routine, and then routine became a personality. I eventually forgot that I was allowed to disagree with things that I was uncomfortable with or set boundaries around my personal time. I became passive, with no interests or personal drive. I was the ideal sidekick. There were no plans of my own to hold me back from supporting the hero to attain his goals. No conflicting interests that kept me from doing whatever it was that he wanted to do.
After that last significant relationship ended, I began the detoxification process. I made it a point to remain alone and learn more about myself (despite having many offers to pair off again, I knew I wasn't ready). As I dove back into the arts and reading and writing I found myself and my community again. I stayed single for about 5 years (the first two years were healing after the abuse and processing and beating the PTSD, the next 3 years were the actual points were I was able to learn more about myself again, love myself, and reacquaint myself with my interests).
Now I'm in the 6th year after that relationship and I've entered a relationship that could be somewhat significant. I feel safe with him, but I'm not sure if I love him. I'm not even sure if we pair well together, but I like that he supports me and appears to respect me. Honestly, I would give the relationship about a 5/10. It's got all the barebones that are necessary, but there's not really anything that excites me about it. I think I could maintain it for a while and be some sort of version of happy... but I wonder if it's possible to have and sustain a relationship that is both exciting and safe?
Can you have both? ...or are exciting relationships destined to burn out in uproarious flames, while safe relationships are more maintainable?
Basically what I'm asking is can I have passion, but not just have it be a fling or end up as some abusive whirlwind? I've noticed that the people who make my heart beat faster lead to incredible experiences, but they're shortlived. The ones that I can live without seem to want to stick around longer and work harder to do it. I have no idea why. I wonder if I treat them differently. Like, maybe showing too much affection/admiration runs people off, and maybe being aloof makes people want to work harder to be with you? ... I don't know. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm better off single.
In doing these things I gave up a part of myself. This behavior started off as an occasional concession, and then became routine, and then routine became a personality. I eventually forgot that I was allowed to disagree with things that I was uncomfortable with or set boundaries around my personal time. I became passive, with no interests or personal drive. I was the ideal sidekick. There were no plans of my own to hold me back from supporting the hero to attain his goals. No conflicting interests that kept me from doing whatever it was that he wanted to do.
After that last significant relationship ended, I began the detoxification process. I made it a point to remain alone and learn more about myself (despite having many offers to pair off again, I knew I wasn't ready). As I dove back into the arts and reading and writing I found myself and my community again. I stayed single for about 5 years (the first two years were healing after the abuse and processing and beating the PTSD, the next 3 years were the actual points were I was able to learn more about myself again, love myself, and reacquaint myself with my interests).
Now I'm in the 6th year after that relationship and I've entered a relationship that could be somewhat significant. I feel safe with him, but I'm not sure if I love him. I'm not even sure if we pair well together, but I like that he supports me and appears to respect me. Honestly, I would give the relationship about a 5/10. It's got all the barebones that are necessary, but there's not really anything that excites me about it. I think I could maintain it for a while and be some sort of version of happy... but I wonder if it's possible to have and sustain a relationship that is both exciting and safe?
Can you have both? ...or are exciting relationships destined to burn out in uproarious flames, while safe relationships are more maintainable?
Basically what I'm asking is can I have passion, but not just have it be a fling or end up as some abusive whirlwind? I've noticed that the people who make my heart beat faster lead to incredible experiences, but they're shortlived. The ones that I can live without seem to want to stick around longer and work harder to do it. I have no idea why. I wonder if I treat them differently. Like, maybe showing too much affection/admiration runs people off, and maybe being aloof makes people want to work harder to be with you? ... I don't know. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm better off single.
31-35, F
