I Don't Belong Anywhere

Offline, I’m not a part of any community. Although I’m happy by myself and I don’t like being part of a group, sometimes I want to share happiness, joy, excitement, adventure, and connections with other people in real life. I love my independence, but sometimes I’m jealous of how others can have friends and a group of people to hang out with. In the past, I avoided being in a group because I didn’t want to experience peer pressure and groupthink. I believed that I would lose my individuality if I joined a group. Also, I didn’t accept myself as a loner yet during those times. I looked sad so different people at different instances approached me, out of pity, to pretend to be my friend. I didn’t want their pity so I declined. I never made friends even to this day. I like being different, not so different that I stand out, but I can still blend in. I don’t like being a copy; I like being an original. We’re all different because we made different decisions and had different experiences. For several years now, sometimes I still feel disconnected from other people despite sharing similar interests, values, beliefs, likes, dislikes, experiences, knowledge, and skills with some people. Yes, there are other times when I feel content, happy, excited, optimistic, and positive about life and for other people I see smiling and laughing with whoever they’re with. But the times when I believe I don’t belong are filled with longing, jealousy, sadness, and pain. I wish I could form a tight close group. I can start by inviting people to do activities with me somewhere in public. Over time after spending many years hanging out together, we can be close. I wanted to share my feelings about not belonging anywhere. I most often come up with my own solutions. I mentioned my solutions as part of this story because I’m not seeking advice; I’m expressing my feelings and thoughts about the topic.

joahola98wj · 31-35, F

@Cinnamon I try not to attack anyone and I try to understand why others act a specific way. Most or some of us want to be understood. People's reasons for what they do such as cutting off in traffic or not using their turn signals while driving, speeding, pushing, or shouting at us, sometimes aren't due to harmful intentions. They could be having a bad moment, apologizing to us after they do it, they forgot, are in a rush, feel tired, or something else. Some of us are quick to judge and blame these people when they do something we dislike. It’s not that we don’t like these people; it’s that we don’t like some of their behavior. We would be kind to them if they were kind to us first. But when they treat us unkindly, sometimes we automatically react with the same unkindness they gave us. Then it becomes a back and forth shouting and angry-words-said-to-one-another match, which doesn’t solve anything, or it becomes a game of who can last the longest of making the other person angry. I believe being kind to others can inspire people to also be kind; we are kind to others first, then they are kind to us in return. They can be unkind to us first while we respond to them kindly in return. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, or winning or losing. We will encounter many people who do something we dislike. It’s a given. Once we accept that it happens, we quickly move on after it, continuing our happy lives thinking about more important matters to us. We're all suffering in some way. We may not like what others do, but we can be kind and compassionate toward them, despite the things we don't like about them. I don’t like to label people, but I’ll use the word, ‘villains,’ to describe people who do bad things--to avoid using this long description. Some villains were raised or treated badly when they were kids. It’s about control or power. Their parents controlled them through not being affectionate with them and being stern with, threatening, or abusing them. Subsequently, these kids grew up and controlled others by getting a rise out of them to get their attention. The environment outside of family also has an influence on villains. People may have treated villains poorly when they were kids. Everyone has a story. The Grinch from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” and Hitler who led the Holocaust were villains. People can change. If you’re familiar with Xena from “Xena: The Warrior Princess,” she killed people out of hate, but redeemed herself through her journey with Gabriel by protecting and rescuing the innocent and battling the “bad guys” (or villains).

joahola98wj · 31-35, F

@Cinnamon I disagree. I don't believe he's intellectually disabled. I remember being young, perhaps around 5 years old through 12 years old or 13 years old, not liking other people so I made them feel horrible. I did it in a passive-aggressive way by pointing out other people’s mistakes or weaknesses. However, I never called anyone names. I was jealous that they were happy and I was unhappy. I got over that phase when I could finally put myself in other people's point of views, saw that I received negative reactions from other people, and I didn’t like how my parents and family treated or spoke about other people. It hurts me to make fun of others so I stopped doing it at age 12 or 13. Fortunately, I didn’t use the Internet for online forums and chatting yet when I was at those ages. I learned how to be kind and compassionate to others. If he’s really 15 years old, he can still change the way he behaves toward other people. I also remember being a teenager who was sensitive and wanted to be liked by other people, sensitive in that any criticism or negative feedback would make me feel defensive and attacked. Perhaps he’s leaving these comments for attention because he doesn’t receive it from his parents. I remember as a teenager, I also acted out against my parents because I still resented them for how they treated me in the past and I had a hot temper that came out when they did something to trigger it. I changed around 18 years old. I accepted that I couldn’t change my parents and family, and other people who treat others unkindly. They change if they want to do so, not when someone else is telling them to change.

Cinnamon · 31-35, F

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying joahola98wj. I hope the hard parts of your experience get easier. Maybe there will be some good connections for you among the people on here.