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I Take Relationships Seriously

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months now and yesterday felt like our first real argument. Prior to that we had had little disagreements but yesterday he was upset with me and we went to dinner and I could just tell. But it felt like he was giving me the silent treatment, I ended up snapping at him and telling him I’d rather him just yell at me than give me the silent treatment. He didn’t. We ended up talking about why he was upset and he said he just needed time to process things, that’s why he was quiet. By the end of the night we decided we wanted to find ways to become emotionally closer, and work on things together. He’s worried about co-dependency but I don’t think either of us has ever seen what a truly healthy relationship looks like to be able to model ours after. I’m pleased how it all worked out and a little embarrassed about my reaction to his silence but I’m hoping our future plans will lead us to an even more serious and committed relationship. My last marriage was a hot mess so if I ever do get married again I want this one to be a healthy one.

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mrbuddhawannabe · 56-60, M

Good for you for wanting to make this relationship a healthy one. I recommend having a "guide" to help both of you to learn how to do that since neither of you have a model on how. This could be a relationship counselor/therapist or a class or a book you read together.
My gf and I just read Harville Hendrix's book, Keeping The Love You Find. John Gottman is the Godfather of relationships. Guy and Kathryn Hendricks have good books as well.

RedHotCrazyPerson · 31-35, F

@mrbuddhawannabe good thoughts! My therapist actually recommended a book by John Gottman that we decided we’re going to read together. I’m ordering it tonight. That was kind of what we were thinking- that we need a guide or advice that’s outside of our own misconceptions.

lasergraph · 70-79, M

Communication is key. He may have been "processing" or just pissed for the moment and afraid he might say something he couldn't take back. That is a point to remember. Words said in haste can't really be taken back, you can apologize and say you didn't mean them but they are already out there and they will forever be in memory. I think you seem to be handling things well.

RedHotCrazyPerson · 31-35, F

@lasergraph thanks. Yeah once he explained he was upset and just trying to process things it made more sense. Communication is key. That’s true you can’t take back things and I’m thankful he didn’t say anything mean or yell like my ex husband used to.

mrbuddhawannabe · 56-60, M

@RedHotCrazyPerson A great communication process is Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication. It's a simple formula.

RedHotCrazyPerson · 31-35, F

@mrbuddhawannabe hmm is that in a book or article or where do you find it?

diablesse · 56-60, F

Disagreements are bound to happen in any long term relationships. What matters isn't that you never argue, it's how you deal with them and it's being as honest as possible with each other. In time you will understand each other's mood better. Perhaps, instead of snapping, next time you sense him being distant you could simply ask what he's upset about. 9 times out of 10, you'll find out he's preoccupied with something that has nothing to do with you, or he's simply tired.

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