I Have Schizoaffective Disorder

I have schizoaffective disorcer and I am having a total breaksown I can not feel any good emotions I'm completely void of good emotions I can not express my feelings and thoughts because I have reduced affect display and some other shit and I don't want to die and I don't want to live I don't know what I want I do know what I want I want to be a normal person but I'm not. I can not be like you. I can't talk I can't express feelings I can't express thoughts I can't express anything there is a total disconnect between my psyche and the world and when people say things I hate I can't tell them I just freeze and I look stupid and they think they're right and I'm wrong and it makes me want to commit homicide. I want to rewind time to before tonight and go far away from this reality and cause a totally different one where I'm fine but I'm not fine. I'm here in my room lying on the floor typing this shit and I'm stuck. I'mstick. I'm stuck here. I can't escape. I don't want to be here. I don'y want to be me. I want to be someone with a normal brain. I'm a monster I'm a demon I'm a worthless asshole I'm useless and broken and defective. I can't even function as a normal human being. I want to kill myself and reincarnate into someone else. Please let there be a God and please let me get to Heaven so I can have a new body and a new brain and a new mind and I can feel good emotions again. God if you're here just take me. Just take me now. Please.