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I Am Tired Of All The Slut-Shaming

Something happened yesterday that I want to put before the community. I apologize if this story ends up being a bit of a rant, but I was pretty pissed last night. So here goes...

I was chatting with a "much older gentleman" on here and we've been chatting for some time now. He seems okay. We've been chatting about past experiences for us both, including but not only sexy ones.

Last night's chat got more sexy than usual and then in the midst of it, he called me a slut. I kinda freaked a bit. I've been called that once before by an ex-bf and didn't take it too well then either. Anyway, last night, so yeah I ended the chat and just went to sleep.

This morning I told him, [b]"Please don't ever call me a slut again. I really didn't like that at all."[/b]

No apology, barely a response at all and he starts chatting like nothing happened. He said it was a term of endearment in the BDSM world (a world we have never discussed even remotely).

So I said, [b]"Do not ever call me a slut again. Ever. I don't care how it's used by other people."[/b]

His response was basically, you already asked and I already answered. Again, no apology. And he said he was moving on.

So I said, [b]"I haven't quite moved on. I just need a little time to get over that. Calling me a slut was kinda a nuclear bomb. I thought we were friends."[/b]

Again no apology and he starts chatting like nothing is going on and sends me a big long story in the chat which I can't even look at right now.

So I say, [b]"Please stop and just give me a little time, ok."[/b]

To which he responds, [b]Honestly, let's just say goodbye and good luck."[/b]

I'm kinda stunned to be honest. And I fully admit that maybe it's me here. Maybe girls on here like being called sluts. Idk.

So to the girls on SW ... Would you accept being called a slut in a private chat? Would you think it was something like calling you honey or sweetie or baby (terms of endearment)?? Am I just way too out of touch with the norms on here?

I'll respond to any comments like usual, but I really want to hear from girls. Thanks!

[sep][sep][sep]

UPDATE: @SW-User Commented below that he was the guy I was talking about in this story and I just want everyone to know that he apologized to me and things are resolved. Thanks for all your comments.

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IAmJess

@th3r0n Her teeth sunk into your arm a quarter inch?? Omg, how many stitches did it take to fix you up? That's awful. What she did there was absolutely a criminal assault.

th3r0n · 41-45, M

@IAmJess I didn't, I put alcohol on it and lived with it. I'll be honest with you, sometimes I tend to cry a lot when my feelings are seriously hurt, but I've trained myself for lethal combat so physical injuries don't usually phase me.

I'll send a picture of the scar.

th3r0n · 41-45, M

luvnsunshine · 22-25, F

When you said no and requested an apology he should have accepted that. By not acknowledging it he shows he clearly doesn't understand consent. I am into bdsm and to be honest like being called a slut, BUT it's something I'm consenting too and have asked for. He should have nothing to do with the lifestyle bc consent is what separates assault from bdsm. People who are legitimately into bdsm have rules in place and a clear understanding of each other's boundaries. You didn't deserve that and he was entirely in the wrong.

IAmJess

@luvnsunshine Well, I didn't request an apology. I simply made my disagreement very clear. Thank you so much for clarifying the bdsm side of this. That's part of the conversation I really haven't been clear on.

Tallie · 26-30, F

He doesn't respect you and the fact that he couldn't understand his own mistake is unacceptable. Try not to dwell on it too much, you're not a slut and as long as you believe that everything's fine. Everywhere you go, people will disrespect you in someway.

IAmJess

@Tallie Thanks Tallie!

bigdaddy283 · M

I have to agree with the aforementioned posters. Once it’s made clear that one member does not accept nor will accept a term, it’s simply placed into the “Don’t Fucking Touch” box (assuming BDSM role play is going). If that person was into BDSM, they should have instantly picked up that your response was simply “No.” and that would have been the end of it. BDSM is built on trust. That simple. If you / he violates that trust, then anything else that could come up gets tossed out the window. Personally I love the ideals of BDSM (tying up, one member having their way ravishing the other sexually), but there is NO WAY I’d try that without fully trusting them.

IAmJess

@bigdaddy283 This was NOT any kind of BDSM role play or anything even remotely connected to that. Yes, it was a sexual chat, but nothing to do with any kind of BDSM.

bigdaddy283 · M

@IAmJess Just saying you made the right choice in a simple “Fuck You” to that individual ;).

Amy98 · F

I don't like being called that either. I really hate when someone assumes you are one just because that's what they want you to be.

View 2 more replies »

IAmJess

@Amy98 Well, protect yourself and be careful around guys, okay?

Amy98 · F

@IAmJess On here we're pretty untouchable as long as we're not stupid and give out personal information. Last I check my computer can't reach out and grab me. 😆

IAmJess

@Amy98 Lol no it can't ... but wow ... what an idea for an invention!?!? 🤔

DrawntoaDistance · M

I feel you. I would never drop that word out of the blue on anyone. Have I never said things like that to a girl? Nope. Definitely have. But I try to get to know someone, get a feel for the things they like, the dynamic. Usually, pretty good at it. If I'm way off for some reason and totally step on my dick, i just apologize, and mean it. Some girls, in the heart of the moment, crave words like that. If the guy has brain cell one in his head, he should endeavor to find out before just liberally dropping whore bombs and slut bombs all over someone. Just because someone has filthy lust filled things in their head doesn't mean that respect should just get tossed in the trash. Having kinks doesn't make you an asshole or a weirdo or whatever. How you show yourself as a person answers all those questions for you.

View 6 more replies »

IAmJess

@DrawntoaDistance Well he's having trouble with his account right now so no, we're not currently chatting.

DrawntoaDistance · M

I'm still kinda leaning towards F that guy 🙂

IAmJess

@DrawntoaDistance Vote noted. Thx.

Sofi95 · 26-30, F

I was called that, and similar worlds during my time at home, usually, each time I acted feminine, or showed any interest in something like make-up or nice clothes. I never got used to it, and of course never liked it, but, there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, some people just don't respect us, they think we're not at the same level and that we don't deserve respect. Some other people just don't think their words before talking or writting, and think that they're not important.

Huggs.

IAmJess

@Sofi95 Thank you. Sorry you were disrespected like that in your own home.

FadedBlue · 51-55, M

I'm not a girl, but it seems to me you've dodged a bullet that could have done more damage - more specifically a guy that could have dragged you down in the long run.

If he's into something you're not and you don't want to be into... run and consider his "slut" insult a warning shot. Was it inappropriate, yes. Should it hurt, yes... you trusted him. But now you know who he really is...

When we hang too long with people who want to go a different direction than we're heading... little by little we are sucked into places we would have never gone on our own.

IAmJess

@FadedBlue Thank you for the advice.

SW-User

[c=#4C0073]There are many women who would love that lifestyle to be honest,
but that's them, not you ... so no, you're not out of touch with the norms ..
You were right and he was wrong! .. He should not have said that, and should have apologised profusely for it. Block him please, he is really not good for you, please trust me in this.

Also, i cant stress enough, please please block him and all others like him.[/c]

IAmJess

@SW-User Wow. Umm, thanks for the advice. He did apologize to me after all the quotes above.

SW-User

@IAmJess [c=#4C0073]okay .. i hope you told him you are not into the BDSM lifestyle and have no wish to learn about it or be treated in that manner ... in fact, he should know that already, .. it's your decision of course to block or not, ... but personally i feel it's good ..

Either way, be careful on here 🤗[/c]

IAmJess

@SW-User Yes, he knows. And thank you so much! 🤗

LynnUK · 46-50, F

alls well that ends well maybe you should close this topic down

View 8 more replies »

IAmJess

@SW-User lol yup

LynnUK · 46-50, F

@SW-User @IAmJess Bang!! clatter!!! crash !!!! Damn who put that Rubbish bin there Grrr lol Best of Luck guys xx

IAmJess

@LynnUK Hahaha 😂

SW-User

🤗 To be honest, it sounds like he might have been trying to set things up so you'd have sex with him, or something similar. I don't understand why slut is used like that either, though.

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IAmJess

@SW-User Idk, this was a first for me.

SW-User

@IAmJess Oh I see. Well, just be careful; there are a lot of people who would seek to exploit you for sex here.

IAmJess

@SW-User Thx

river52 · 70-79, M

sometimes people just don't get it....you made yourself perfectly clear how that made you feel and he should have immediately apologized !!!

View 11 more replies »

river52 · 70-79, M

@IAmJess maybe your age?

IAmJess

@river52 No because I can chat with lots of over 18 accounts (and do). It's just certain ones (like yours) that are blocked from me and I've been told its because SW knows your accounts are "mature content"! lol.

river52 · 70-79, M

smiles.....beware of the "dark side".....lol

SW-User

I am the "older gentleman" in question. Without going into any detail, I never called JessieGurl a "slut."

At one point the conversation got very hot, and reference was made to naughty girls are the best kind. I asked "Are you a naughty little slut?"

Intent is key here. My intention was not to disparage JessieGurl, my intention was to excite her.

I did apologize with all sincerity to her.

I meant no disrespect to her and she knows it.

IAmJess

@SW-User Thanks for jumping in.

I've tried to tell people that you did eventually apologize.

As for whether your words were meant to call me a slut or to ask my opinion on the subject, out of context it is impossible to know. But in the conversation, it was clear that even though phrased as a question that you were directing the label to me.

But it's fine, we've discussed it and it's in the past.

SW-User

@IAmJess Words can be powerful tools. The problem with chat is the inflection we use when speak is missing.

You misunderstood, and in retrospect, not unreasonably, what my intent was.

I don't put labels on people. I judge them solely on their merits.

IAmJess

@SW-User I misunderstood your intent?? I don't think so. There's two possibilities here: 1) you were calling me a slut (whatever that means); or 2) you were asking me if I thought I was a slut.

But when I first complained about it, you told me it was a term of endearment in BDSM. A term of endearment is something you call another person. It's not something you ask them about. You absolutely did intend to call me a slut.

The debate is over whether that is okay. And I stand by my position that it is never okay. Some people here say it is okay by mutual agreement. Others have agreed with you that it is common in bdsm relationships.

Newandimproved · 61-69, M

That is the limitation of language. It can be a term of endearment t and respect but ONLY if the recipient of the title knows and agrees to that meaning.

I would think his response could have been something along the lines of.."of course I will never call you that again. I am sorry that we had a disconnect and please understand that i intended nothing but positive things by the use of the word"

Ultimately the word can have to different meanings and not be appreciated

Sorry that it caused you discomfort.

IAmJess

@Newandimproved If that had been his initial response, then this story and our convoluted chat about it would not exist. Thank you.

LynnUK · 46-50, F

he should of apologised, but at the same time before you started chatting sexually with him you could of made him aware you didn't like girls who are "Sluts" or even the word "Slut" much like a lot don't like the "C" word, just my thoughts not that they count

View 3 more replies »

LynnUK · 46-50, F

@IAmJess week and a half, your in for a wild time I think but more than anything I hope you enjoy it, just remember to tell who ever your chatting with your "dislike" too avoid anymore disagreements x

IAmJess

@LynnUK Thanks. Good advice.

LynnUK · 46-50, F

@IAmJess np

Finegent · 22-25, M

I think a nice man would not only apologize but have nothing to apologize for.

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IAmJess

@th3r0n He called me a slut which he claims is a term of endearment like "dear" or "honey". Nothing in this story or in the comments (except your comments) is about promiscuity. No where is it implied or stated that I'd been promiscuous!!

And for the record, I couldn't fucking care less what you think about promiscuity so just go away.

th3r0n · 41-45, M

@IAmJess you haven't been, clearly, "slut" is a term for an overly promiscuous woman, which he finds favorable. How do you not know this?

IAmJess

@th3r0n You are making huge assumptions and leaps here. That's not how he used it and I explained that to you already.

YOU are the only person talking about promiscuity. And I no longer give a fuck what you think about things. Just go away.

DayDreaming2 · F

Are you still talking to him or maintaining a friendship?

I am aware of BDSM relationships where the Dom refers to his sub as a “good cock slut” or even just a “good slut” Sometimes Daddy’s will say similar things also. “You want to be Daddy’s slut?”

Maybe the fact that he is “much older gentleman” and you are under 18 that topic shouldn’t have even been in your conversation, just a thought.

IAmJess

@DayDreaming2 Agreed that it shouldn't have been part of the conversation!

And's this was not a bdsm or any kind of daddy fetish conversation.

SW-User

Maybe some do like being called a slut, it surely isn't a term of endearment to me. He clearly offended you, an apology wouldn't be out of line. It wasn't you it was him and you're better off without him in your inbox.

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allsfinebime2 · M

@IAmJess There is never enough time to know someone that a lady should be called by that name. ☮

IAmJess

@allsfinebime2 Thank you, and I agree. I know some girls like being called degrading names, but I've never been one of them.

allsfinebime2 · M

@IAmJess 🤗

th3r0n · 41-45, M

Personally, promiscuity is a very unattractive thing to me, I would surely never use the word ‘slut’ as a good thing, nor say such to a woman I speak to romantically, unless horrifically betrayed in a sexual manner.

IAmJess

@th3r0n Huh? No part of this story was even remotely about promiscuity.

Wanna know what's very unattractive to me? Presumptuous assholery.

th3r0n · 41-45, M

@IAmJess sorry, I had assumed your iq to not be under 90...

He called you a slut, something he finds favorable...get it yet???

IAmJess

@th3r0n And because some asshole calls me a slut, you [b][u]ASSUME[/u][/b] that I'm promiscuous?? That's a pretty big leap. If one of us suffers from a lack of IQ points, I don't think it's me.

updown2020 · 61-69, M

Well sorry but if he or anyone talks to you in a manner you do not like well point it out and if it continues end the chat. it's a simple as that nobody should be disrespecting each other and if they do well you tell them have a nice day and move on.

IAmJess

@updown2020 Agreed, thank you.

Paliglass · 41-45, F

A "Slut" is a slovenly woman who doesn't clean her house.

View 4 more replies »

IAmJess

@Paliglass It was not "dirty sex talk," there was no sexting, it was a talk about sexy stuff, but we weren't role-playing.

EnigmaticGeek · 61-69, M

@IAmJess For me, a slut isn't necessarily a whore, as many sluts never charge for sex.

I don't classify women as sluts, whores, etc. nor to a consider slut to always be a derogatory term. I never call a woman a slut to degrade her. I actually admire women who fuck whomever they want, when they want. I think whores are more honorable than some wives, and from the rates I've seen quoted, less expensive than wives, too.

I can certainly understand why you were so offended, however, when the guy called you a slut out of the blue.

IAmJess

@EnigmaticGeek Yeah, there's pretty much nothing that you and I would end up agreeing on but thanks for the comment.

StevetheSleeve · 31-35, M

Eh, some girls like being called that by some guys. But when you said you didn't like it he should have apologized.

IAmJess

@StevetheSleeve Thank you.

tsunami64 · 36-40, M

Thats bad. When talking to friends no one should use such words.

IAmJess

@tsunami64 That's my opinion too, but apparently there's this whole bdsm world where that's "normal"!

SW-User

Sounds to me the conversation with grandpa got too far

IAmJess

@SW-User Well in that direction for sure.

drtt943 ·

He should respect you

IAmJess

@drtt943 Well, we should all respect each other. That's like the baseline, right?

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