I Have a Mental Illness
I have been 'diagnosed' with depression by a therapist (her credibility in this diagnosis is to be questioned) but I believe I have depression. Its hard for me to be certain that I have it though because I don't feel down or sad all of the time, and that's what I was lead to believe it was.
But then why would I go through bought of feeling down for days at a time until I feel normal again? Why is it that all I feel like doing after work is sleeping, and why can I find that I can sleep for hours on end? Why do I still feel suicidal if I feel genuinely happy with my life?
That's because depression is a one size fits all mental illness. Depression can vary in everyone, and nobody feels the exact same as someone else. I have been denying that I have depression for years because this textbook definition of feeling sad for weeks at a time didn't fit what I was feeling. It didn't fit with the one night a month I would break down and then feel nothing for days afterwards. It didn't fit with me putting a bottle of pills to my lips to drown down to my stomach with alcohol, and then be perfectly fine the next day. It didn't fit in with what I believed was depression.
But I know I have it. My primary doctor helped me be certain, and while my hormonal birth control has helped a bit, I'm still struggling. I plan on going to her though and getting on a mood stabilizer, and heading back into therapy when my life calms down. Just taking it one day at a time.
But then why would I go through bought of feeling down for days at a time until I feel normal again? Why is it that all I feel like doing after work is sleeping, and why can I find that I can sleep for hours on end? Why do I still feel suicidal if I feel genuinely happy with my life?
That's because depression is a one size fits all mental illness. Depression can vary in everyone, and nobody feels the exact same as someone else. I have been denying that I have depression for years because this textbook definition of feeling sad for weeks at a time didn't fit what I was feeling. It didn't fit with the one night a month I would break down and then feel nothing for days afterwards. It didn't fit with me putting a bottle of pills to my lips to drown down to my stomach with alcohol, and then be perfectly fine the next day. It didn't fit in with what I believed was depression.
But I know I have it. My primary doctor helped me be certain, and while my hormonal birth control has helped a bit, I'm still struggling. I plan on going to her though and getting on a mood stabilizer, and heading back into therapy when my life calms down. Just taking it one day at a time.
26-30, F
