I Will Open My Heart
I have always known that I have placed a protective shell around my heart. That protection is good and bad. It will protect me but it will also stop me from experiencing some rewarding relationships.
A few years ago, I "unfroze" my heart. That is how I use to feel. No one could see that because I am pretty easy going, funny, kind, giving and playful, but there was that deep part of me that I kept hidden from people.
I had two marriages that failed. I had lost kids due to their desire to live with their father. I for the longest time use to blame myself for it all. I had to see why this had happened to me. God has placed some very painful experiences in my life, the kind that I am on the floor in a fetal position crying. I have loved and I lost love. I have known love that I had to let go. I have loved more than another person could love me back.
I remember one time, in full tears in front of the gate at the airport crying, my body shaking with pain as I waited for a little boy (my son) to turn around and wave at me. He didn't. My heart was broke and in so much pain for so many years. I waited for years for him to come back to me. He never did. I lost those years and I will never get them back. Why? I do not know. I have asked that questions many times. I no longer ask. I just know that it was meant to be.
Today, I COMMIT to truly open my heart to what life is going to bring me. I know good things that are meant to come to me are going to now. I feel that so deeply. It kind of makes me sad because I will hurt people. I dislike hurting people. I will not do that intentionally.
I also know that there will be some push back from some people. I know that there will be the "asking" me to not make my changes, but I know that the time has come. I gave so much for such a long time. I know that its time for me to think of me first and do what is right for ME. I deserve that.
A few years ago, I "unfroze" my heart. That is how I use to feel. No one could see that because I am pretty easy going, funny, kind, giving and playful, but there was that deep part of me that I kept hidden from people.
I had two marriages that failed. I had lost kids due to their desire to live with their father. I for the longest time use to blame myself for it all. I had to see why this had happened to me. God has placed some very painful experiences in my life, the kind that I am on the floor in a fetal position crying. I have loved and I lost love. I have known love that I had to let go. I have loved more than another person could love me back.
I remember one time, in full tears in front of the gate at the airport crying, my body shaking with pain as I waited for a little boy (my son) to turn around and wave at me. He didn't. My heart was broke and in so much pain for so many years. I waited for years for him to come back to me. He never did. I lost those years and I will never get them back. Why? I do not know. I have asked that questions many times. I no longer ask. I just know that it was meant to be.
Today, I COMMIT to truly open my heart to what life is going to bring me. I know good things that are meant to come to me are going to now. I feel that so deeply. It kind of makes me sad because I will hurt people. I dislike hurting people. I will not do that intentionally.
I also know that there will be some push back from some people. I know that there will be the "asking" me to not make my changes, but I know that the time has come. I gave so much for such a long time. I know that its time for me to think of me first and do what is right for ME. I deserve that.
