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I Am A Survivor Of A Dysfunctional Family

I just survived a week’s vacation with my family. I had moments of anxiety weeks before this trip, and basically stress ate through the last five days. Ugh. But I made it.

I think the angels were on my side because, through unexpected changes in circumstances, I managed to avoid alone time with my passive/agressive, abusive mother, which usually leads to me feeling bad about myself, invalidated and invisible.
My brother hardly said twenty words to me the entire time, but at least I got to spend quality time with my nieces, nephew and sister-in-law.

I feel a little bit bad for not making more of an effort to spend time with my mother, especially since she rented a beautiful home, on the beach, for 12 of us to stay. But I had to be true to myself, and as an empath, put up barriers to keep my “vampires” at bay. I couldn’t let them suck me in and be manipulative.

She got some condescending jabs in, but I tried to have a voice and not let her think it was okay. This was a very challenging week for me. I’m a people pleaser. But over the past month, I have learned that it doesn’t matter what they think. I have to protect my heart and soul and spirit.

I have spent enough years trying to please, and measure up, and feel heard and validated. While they may not have changed, I have. I am sure she’ll try to make me feel guilty, when I call her next week, for not orchestrating more mother/daughter bonding moments, but I will deal with it then.

I will never feel like I belong. I will never get the love that I crave to feel from them. I will never have a loving relationship with my father, mother or brother like many others have. I don’t know what that feels like. Sadly, I’ll never understand why. I only know pain, tears, disappointment, and rejection. (Can anyone else relate?)

But I am still standing. I will go on. I do know love from others, thankfully. I still believe in giving and receiving love. I am not jaded. It’s their loss. I will move beyond them.

As I step into 2019, I will continue on my path of self-discovery and honor my authentic self. I will still be a respectful daughter and sister, but I won’t put myself last anymore to earn their approval, nor beg for their love.

I will shower my love on those who appreciate what I have to offer. That feels good. I feel more empowered. I hope it continues. It’s a new day. It’s about to be a new year. Honor yourself, be kind and love generously. 💞
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likesnatural · 70-79, M
Sounds like you are very strong now
GlamGirl · F
Getting stronger. It’s a long process. @likesnatural