I Had An Affair

A while ago I had an affair and I wrote about it on here. At the time I had said it was the best thing to come into my life. How wrong I was. The physical part lasted for about 2 years. Times have been hard and we have not been able to see each other now going on year. However, we have become the best of friends. We share everything that is going and are there to support each other during those rough patches. I do enjoy our friendship that we have. Yet even with that friendship, I feel guilty for what I have done.

A couple of months ago, my spouse and I seperated. And well I thought I would be happy. Truth is, I am not. I found that I was spending too much focused in other areas for all to long. I found that my spouse was lonely and unhappy, for a long time. I sit here and think about it all, and I ask the question, what the hell was I doing? I think about the energy spent, I think about how selfish I was during all of this. I know they say hindsight can be that wake up call, yet it just comes way too late in the game. Why did I not wake up sooner and see the pain on her?

I sit and think now that my affair was wrong. I wonder to myself how in the hell did I even get on this road? Why did I do the things I did? While yes I enjoy the friendship with my ow, really that time and energy should've spent on my spouse. She should of been my bf. Through good times and bad times and all of that jazz.

I see the hurt on her face. I see the damage I did to her. I see the years I took and well it sickens me to no end. The answers I am sure are out there somewhere. I do know this, I never want to be in this place ever again. I never want to cheat again. I never want to ignore whoever comes into my life. Yet I will say I am hopeful that the damage could be repaired with my spouse, yet I feel that is a loss hope. Sad things had to end up here for me to finally awake and really see the damage I have done with my behavior.

I don't know, just feel beat down right now. This damn roller coaster just sucks so much. Never did I ever figure I would ever be the kind of person to cheat. Never in a million years did I think that, yet I did. And for life I am stuck with that title for life. Now for the rest of my life I have to live with the hurt and pain I caused my family. And now comes the anger at myself for my actions. Maybe I should of put this in the I am lost and hurt area...lol Or I am sad area...Just feel the weight of my choices on my shoulders and it is almost too much to bare. Sounds bad and selfish there again. Yet I find the will to keep going, moving one step in front of the other right?

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PhinheasGage

For totally different reasons, but I also thought very wrongly that my affair was the best thing I ever did. But there was some reason you had an affair. People in happy marriages don't just wander into an affair. You were unhappy for some reason. Whether you can fix your marriage will depend in a large part on whether you can fix why you were unhappy.

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mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thank You.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thank you Marti3080. While yes I want my wife back she has moved on with someone else. We have been separated here going on about 3 months. We spoke for a few minutes and she wants to explore what she found. In the meantime, I will work on myself, and yes, I will let the ow go, but will do it proper. She will understand that our friendship needs to come to end. I understand as well. Rough as it was, things need to change, this is part of the environment I need to change. Changing the behavior is important as well. Already getting myself signed up for counseling as well. When I say I never want to be in the place again I mean it. Sad at the age of 42, it took me this long to grow up.

onlyenglish

Bravo!!!Please do it.so

OliviaPope6

You sound like a decent man, and I'm sorry that you feel so low. You may have read some of the comments from those of us who were the 'best friends' of our MMs (I don't think I'll ever get used to being in that club) who then cut all contact when the wives found out, sometimes after many years, or if the prospect of reconciliation was suddenly on the table. All I can say to you is if, as you seem, you wish to lead a better life, and that may not involve the other woman, then act with integrity and explain it properly, giving her the closure she and you both deserve. There is some shitty, dreadful advice out there for Married Men, urging them to drop the Other Woman like a stone, cruelly often, and never look back. I can assure you this is a dreadful thing to do. End it if you have to of course, but with integrity and kindness. You will move on with less guilt and this woman you care about will not be left with a lifetime of questions, self-loathing and mistrust. It's a lonely place out there when the entire internet slutshames and scorns you for your pain. Goodluck

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Hi Olivia, thank you for your words. No I would never just dump her like that. There is a right way and wrong way to do things. At this stage my ow and I are friends, and no benefits, so I know she would understand that our friendship would need to come to an end.

OliviaPope6

Then you are indeed a kind and dignified person, and I hope you and your friend can move on in peace. x

NowStronger

Well said. Give the ow some closure. I was dropped with nc. It was torture. I don't wish that on anyone. Now he is coming back to be friends. Can't do that anymore. It's too hard.

travelgal8605

Hey educatedredneck, thank you for your openness. I can only imagine the heartache you’re experiencing as you realize the value of your marriage now that you are separated. I want to encourage you that not all is lost. Yes you made some mistakes but that doesn’t me you are eternally broken, beyond repair, unlovable, or unworthy. Have you expressed your regret and desire for restoration to your wife? Have you considered speaking with a counselor? If you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone there I know Focus on the Family has a free counseling line (855-771-HELP). It might be worth giving them a call.

Although the physical hasn’t continued it sounds like you are still emotionally relying on this other woman. Maybe closing the book on that relationship completely will help make way for you to rebuild on all levels with your wife. Here is a great article I found on avoiding and ending an affair that you might find helpful - bit.ly/1PGTWo7. Restoration won’t happen overnight and won’t be easy but you sounds like guy who desires to make things right.

Rest assured that you and your marriage will be in my thoughts and prayers.

PhinheasGage

Same with you. Shame on you for striking with your religion while this man is down.

lilsecret1

I totally understand you. I feel very very similar. I had the affair, my husband never found out. But we divorced. It's so hard to replace a spouse of many years w anyone. We are wired to need a physical connection, and with an affair it's intense. It's all consuming. But those feelings fade and what your left with isn't the same as a family unit at all. I'm a bit depressed because of where I put myself, and who I've hurt in the process. I feel guilt every day now. I almost feel it's getting worse. My only glimpse of hope is that I meet a man who truly gets me, gets what I did and loves me despite that. We will see I guess. And I'm fully willing to be alone and just be the best mom, sister, employee and friend I can be otherwise. If I'm never a wife or gf again, I will survive.

WynterSolstice

Recognizing the wrong you did is the first step and even if you think you and your wife will not be together again, asking for forgiveness is the next step. Know that this will not be an easy road. She is a hurting soul and may not trust you or even your word (but women can sense when a man asking for forgiveness does with a contrite heart) but you are also doing this for yourself...to begin your healing and learning to forgive yourself. God forgives and forgets when we ask for His forgiveness but us humans will forgive but have a hard time forgetting so be patient. Best to you.

PhinheasGage

Who asked what your God thinks? I can't believe you would use this man's moment of brokenness as an opportunity to proselytize.

WynterSolstice

This comment was not directed at you. I'm sorry you were offended but he didn't seem to mind my words of encouragement because he "hearted" my response.
I don't wish to offend anybody and if you'd rather receive condemnation instead of healing and encouragement by all means have at it. No need to be vitriolic or acrimonious about it.
Have a nice day!

KevinConfused

First, give yourself a break. None of us are perfect and you must have been missing something to be searching for something else like you did. Your wife is hurt because she let you down. She will forgive you.

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WynterSolstice

Because everything hidden are bound to come out. Your wife will eventually find out, maybe through others or through her own intuition and it would hurt worse if you deny it. If she ever confronts you about it, don't lie to her face or that would hurt worse.

KevinConfused

I think, EducatedRedneck, that you have taken a journey that's made you wiser. Since we are all human and have made mistakes, I believe your honesty with her may actually bring you back together. If you love her enough, fight to save it. Best wishes to you and her.

KevinConfused

You can focus on the good things instead.

Yalaboo

Thank you so very much for this post. I really needed to hear this.

Maybe you had to go through this experience to be the better person you are today. You made a mistake and your are a better person for it. I wish you the best of luck.

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