I Had An Affair

A while ago I had an affair and I wrote about it on here. At the time I had said it was the best thing to come into my life. How wrong I was. The physical part lasted for about 2 years. Times have been hard and we have not been able to see each other now going on year. However, we have become the best of friends. We share everything that is going and are there to support each other during those rough patches. I do enjoy our friendship that we have. Yet even with that friendship, I feel guilty for what I have done.

A couple of months ago, my spouse and I seperated. And well I thought I would be happy. Truth is, I am not. I found that I was spending too much focused in other areas for all to long. I found that my spouse was lonely and unhappy, for a long time. I sit here and think about it all, and I ask the question, what the hell was I doing? I think about the energy spent, I think about how selfish I was during all of this. I know they say hindsight can be that wake up call, yet it just comes way too late in the game. Why did I not wake up sooner and see the pain on her?

I sit and think now that my affair was wrong. I wonder to myself how in the hell did I even get on this road? Why did I do the things I did? While yes I enjoy the friendship with my ow, really that time and energy should've spent on my spouse. She should of been my bf. Through good times and bad times and all of that jazz.

I see the hurt on her face. I see the damage I did to her. I see the years I took and well it sickens me to no end. The answers I am sure are out there somewhere. I do know this, I never want to be in this place ever again. I never want to cheat again. I never want to ignore whoever comes into my life. Yet I will say I am hopeful that the damage could be repaired with my spouse, yet I feel that is a loss hope. Sad things had to end up here for me to finally awake and really see the damage I have done with my behavior.

I don't know, just feel beat down right now. This damn roller coaster just sucks so much. Never did I ever figure I would ever be the kind of person to cheat. Never in a million years did I think that, yet I did. And for life I am stuck with that title for life. Now for the rest of my life I have to live with the hurt and pain I caused my family. And now comes the anger at myself for my actions. Maybe I should of put this in the I am lost and hurt area...lol Or I am sad area...Just feel the weight of my choices on my shoulders and it is almost too much to bare. Sounds bad and selfish there again. Yet I find the will to keep going, moving one step in front of the other right?