I Had An Affair

A while ago I had an affair and I wrote about it on here. At the time I had said it was the best thing to come into my life. How wrong I was. The physical part lasted for about 2 years. Times have been hard and we have not been able to see each other now going on year. However, we have become the best of friends. We share everything that is going and are there to support each other during those rough patches. I do enjoy our friendship that we have. Yet even with that friendship, I feel guilty for what I have done.

A couple of months ago, my spouse and I seperated. And well I thought I would be happy. Truth is, I am not. I found that I was spending too much focused in other areas for all to long. I found that my spouse was lonely and unhappy, for a long time. I sit here and think about it all, and I ask the question, what the hell was I doing? I think about the energy spent, I think about how selfish I was during all of this. I know they say hindsight can be that wake up call, yet it just comes way too late in the game. Why did I not wake up sooner and see the pain on her?

I sit and think now that my affair was wrong. I wonder to myself how in the hell did I even get on this road? Why did I do the things I did? While yes I enjoy the friendship with my ow, really that time and energy should've spent on my spouse. She should of been my bf. Through good times and bad times and all of that jazz.

I see the hurt on her face. I see the damage I did to her. I see the years I took and well it sickens me to no end. The answers I am sure are out there somewhere. I do know this, I never want to be in this place ever again. I never want to cheat again. I never want to ignore whoever comes into my life. Yet I will say I am hopeful that the damage could be repaired with my spouse, yet I feel that is a loss hope. Sad things had to end up here for me to finally awake and really see the damage I have done with my behavior.

I don't know, just feel beat down right now. This damn roller coaster just sucks so much. Never did I ever figure I would ever be the kind of person to cheat. Never in a million years did I think that, yet I did. And for life I am stuck with that title for life. Now for the rest of my life I have to live with the hurt and pain I caused my family. And now comes the anger at myself for my actions. Maybe I should of put this in the I am lost and hurt area...lol Or I am sad area...Just feel the weight of my choices on my shoulders and it is almost too much to bare. Sounds bad and selfish there again. Yet I find the will to keep going, moving one step in front of the other right?

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PhinheasGage

For totally different reasons, but I also thought very wrongly that my affair was the best thing I ever did. But there was some reason you had an affair. People in happy marriages don't just wander into an affair. You were unhappy for some reason. Whether you can fix your marriage will depend in a large part on whether you can fix why you were unhappy.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thanks. Sure there were things I was unhappy about in my marriage, but to turn and do what I did. I ask myself, how did that fix things? All it is doing is causing more hurt and pain, and the price to paid well is paid by everyone. That time and energy should of been spent working on my marriage, not out looking. And it angers me that I should of spent it there, and not out with someone else. And if things did not work out, then get the divorce. Think that one is an easier event to deal with than this one.

PhinheasGage

You might also want to reconsider an ongoing friendship with this person. Yes I've posted some harsh things about married people who have affairs and toss their partner aside like they never existed when they get a guilt attack and decide to be a good boy again. But given that you want to recommit to your marriage, this is what you have to look at. How long do you think it will be before you sleep with this person again if she is still your friend? I do think it will be a shitty thing to do and you should feel as or more guilty about that as cheating, but you can't keep your mistress within reach if you want to stay true to your wife.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

At this point we are still just friends. There is feelings there for each other, but the sleeping together again, that has been pretty much come to an end. Should things work out, which I don't think they will, but should they, then yes you are right, there needs to be a clean sweep of everything. There needs to be a change in behavior and environment. Open book, and actually be the person I know I can be.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

But that also includes things that were not part of the affair, like paying attention to her, making her feel valued, showing her she is important and doing things that makes her happy as well as me.

Hairgirl74

Not sure exactly why but this irritates me. I've been the ow that had my heart ripped out by my mm that pursued me and filled me with empty promises I was his best friend too. Only to have him get a guilty concious and want to work it out with his wife. It has been my experience that most betrayed wives take them back. I would hang in there and do what you can to get your wife back she will come around. Most do. BUT I take serious issue with you keeping your affair going while you are supposedly wanting to get your wife back! You can't have both. And yes unless you go no contact forever you are still in the affair. Figure out what you truly want and need to be happy and the rest will follow. If you truly regret what happened you would have stopped the affair and done anything you can to get your wife back. No judgement here. Just saying your actions speak louder than words. You are not 100% committed to your wife. And you shouldn't need a guarantee from her before you are. That should have happened the moment you realized you made a mistake. Correct me if I'm wrong but it feels like you are waiting around for your wife to decide she will work it out with you before you take the necessary steps needed to fix it? Like ending your affair.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Oh no I am sorry if my story was not clear, but yes that needs to go. As far as wanting the spouse back, well I do not think it is possible to be honest. The ow, has become a friend and I was saying that I enjoy the friendship, but know that it would need to come to an end. I am sorry for the confusion there. Thank you for your comments.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

I am sorry this irritated you. Right now there is no marriage, she left. And yes should there be a chance of things working out, yeah of course. the ow would have to go, no question there. A clean sweep is not clean until you end everything on that end. I was just saying that I enjoyed the friendship I have now with my ow. There is no more sleeping around, but I know that things would need to change across the board and they would. And this also goes past the affair. If there was no affair the way I treated her was bad enough. My spouse that is.

PhinheasGage

Yeah I felt conflicted writing that because I have seen how hurt women in this group are by men who said they loved them then all of a sudden pretended they don't exist because he wanted to save his marriage. That's a totally shitheaded thing to do. If you're not going to leave your marriage don't lead somebody on. But the fact remains that if you do want to save your marriage the ow or om has to go.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

You are right it is a shithead thing to do to anyone. I would like to think I am a bit more respectful in the sense that I would talk to her and let her know that our friendship would need to come to an end. My ow who is also married herself, would understand. We have talked about this before and we both knew that there might come a time in which things would come to an end. Like I have said in other posts, should my marriage be worked out, then yes, my friendship with my ow would need to come to end. Everything would need to be a clean slate in order to build on. The process would be hard on, no question. My hope is that no bandaid is put on but that we truly work on building a stronger connection so that we do not end up in this spot ever again. Yet I am real and know that perhaps even with work things may not work out, but I feel that at that time, at least we can say we made a valued attempt. Thank You for your words.

Hairgirl74

I'm not trying to bust your balls here. I am coming from a caring place. I've been there and it is very difficult. I do take issue with your statement that "should" my marriage be worked out then my ow has to go. My point is if you want your marriage. She should already be gone!! You should be taking the positive steps needed to bring more positive back to your life. Ending your affair will be more painful than you expect!! You will need to take time to grieve the loss of that relationship. I'm not sure your being honest with yourself about that. As long as you are in the affair you don't have the clarity needed to see what needs to be done to fix you or your marriage. Believe me when I say you have no idea the emotional roller coaster ride you are in for when you let your AP go. It is not as easy as it seems. Basically I'm saying you need to detox. Work on yourself without AP so you can start to be the man you want to be and that your wife needs. Either way it's a win win situation. Or just continue your affair. Do nothing to work on yourself. Wait for your wife to come back and have to do all those things eventually. So what is it your waiting for? Either way you will not end up with AP. You can be the man you want to be starting today. But you have to end your affair to do it. Again I've been there. Not trying to be harsh.

PhinheasGage

Yes I think she deserves a goodbye.

NowStronger

Well said hairgirl74. You sound like an awesome person!!! Been there too. Don't ever want the pain that I have gone through again. You want your wife,? end affair, nc. Contact keeps the door open. Talking to ow is still cheating!!! Totally not fair. The ow is a real person. I'm sure a good person too!

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thank You.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thank you Marti3080. While yes I want my wife back she has moved on with someone else. We have been separated here going on about 3 months. We spoke for a few minutes and she wants to explore what she found. In the meantime, I will work on myself, and yes, I will let the ow go, but will do it proper. She will understand that our friendship needs to come to end. I understand as well. Rough as it was, things need to change, this is part of the environment I need to change. Changing the behavior is important as well. Already getting myself signed up for counseling as well. When I say I never want to be in the place again I mean it. Sad at the age of 42, it took me this long to grow up.

onlyenglish

Bravo!!!Please do it.so