I Had An Affair

A while ago I had an affair and I wrote about it on here. At the time I had said it was the best thing to come into my life. How wrong I was. The physical part lasted for about 2 years. Times have been hard and we have not been able to see each other now going on year. However, we have become the best of friends. We share everything that is going and are there to support each other during those rough patches. I do enjoy our friendship that we have. Yet even with that friendship, I feel guilty for what I have done.

A couple of months ago, my spouse and I seperated. And well I thought I would be happy. Truth is, I am not. I found that I was spending too much focused in other areas for all to long. I found that my spouse was lonely and unhappy, for a long time. I sit here and think about it all, and I ask the question, what the hell was I doing? I think about the energy spent, I think about how selfish I was during all of this. I know they say hindsight can be that wake up call, yet it just comes way too late in the game. Why did I not wake up sooner and see the pain on her?

I sit and think now that my affair was wrong. I wonder to myself how in the hell did I even get on this road? Why did I do the things I did? While yes I enjoy the friendship with my ow, really that time and energy should've spent on my spouse. She should of been my bf. Through good times and bad times and all of that jazz.

I see the hurt on her face. I see the damage I did to her. I see the years I took and well it sickens me to no end. The answers I am sure are out there somewhere. I do know this, I never want to be in this place ever again. I never want to cheat again. I never want to ignore whoever comes into my life. Yet I will say I am hopeful that the damage could be repaired with my spouse, yet I feel that is a loss hope. Sad things had to end up here for me to finally awake and really see the damage I have done with my behavior.

I don't know, just feel beat down right now. This damn roller coaster just sucks so much. Never did I ever figure I would ever be the kind of person to cheat. Never in a million years did I think that, yet I did. And for life I am stuck with that title for life. Now for the rest of my life I have to live with the hurt and pain I caused my family. And now comes the anger at myself for my actions. Maybe I should of put this in the I am lost and hurt area...lol Or I am sad area...Just feel the weight of my choices on my shoulders and it is almost too much to bare. Sounds bad and selfish there again. Yet I find the will to keep going, moving one step in front of the other right?

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KevinConfused

First, give yourself a break. None of us are perfect and you must have been missing something to be searching for something else like you did. Your wife is hurt because she let you down. She will forgive you.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Thanks Kevin. My wife did not find out about the affair, she knows nothing of it. There are other reasons why she left, through I am sure if she knew it would add to her hurt. No plan on telling her any of it. In looking back, you know I really don't know why I even started in the first place.

KevinConfused

I did the same thing for 3 years. My wife hasn't found out and I promise myself NOT to confess it because it would crush her.

My release was sexual (my wife's bedridden and only up 3 or 4 hours in a day). She hurts all the time.

I miss my sexual partner but she stopped seeing me for a gang member who just got out of prison after 12 years. Stupid, I know, but many of us guys fall in Love with a woman who gifts us sex.

Now I feel I've lost both: my sexual partner and my long lost wife. Let's hang in there together. The pain and the hurt has to pass. God's gift is time for us.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

I understand what you're saying and thank you, but really, what does telling her actually do? From what I have read on this and heard, this does nothing for the cheater, but just hurts the other that much more. Why keep adding on the hurt? What purpose does it solve? Should things work out, and really I don't know if they are, but should they, then this is one secret that needs to be buried and never visited. A clean slate, meaning no ow, open book, communication, changing of behaviors and environment are well some of the key factors I am thinking would need to be addressed.

mikec92 · 46-50, M

Hmm, again, why keep adding on to the hurt? I get justification of coming clean so I feel better yet she is the one that would have to deal with the added hurt. Its almost like digging that blade deeper inside and making the hole bigger. My thinking in telling her is that it just goes to benefit me, not her.

Don't get me wrong I understand what you are saying there, but I would disagree with you on this as well.

Mylifesover

I'm sorry Kevin, but what makes you think his wife let him down?? What about for better or worse till death do us part... I didn't let my husband down in any way shape or fashion. I was a good wife and mother. No, men just can't help themselves if they get a little attention out of the home. Like educated my husband is a decent hard working man. BUT what he has done to me😔 I will never forgive him. As our kids are young and don't know about his affair, I will be telling them when the time comes. You can't treat people like this and get away with. Even if it is guilt that is killing him. It's nothing to the pain of his wife. I'm sorry for going on, but cheaters have no idea of the pain and hurt they cause. As my name states"mylifesover". I can't see myself ever being 100% happy again. X

mikec92 · 46-50, M

I was the one that let her down. Even before the affair took place, I was not there to tend to her needs like I needed to be. Cheating now, yes not the answer, does not solve anything. The time and energy spent needed to spent on my wife. Yet, even before the affair I needed to put more time and focus in to my marriage. Had it not worked then divorce.

WynterSolstice

Because everything hidden are bound to come out. Your wife will eventually find out, maybe through others or through her own intuition and it would hurt worse if you deny it. If she ever confronts you about it, don't lie to her face or that would hurt worse.

KevinConfused

I think, EducatedRedneck, that you have taken a journey that's made you wiser. Since we are all human and have made mistakes, I believe your honesty with her may actually bring you back together. If you love her enough, fight to save it. Best wishes to you and her.

KevinConfused

You can focus on the good things instead.