I Am Not Who I Used to Be
The Terminator... I am not who I used to be, not by a long shot. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. I'm just lost as to how to get the parts I miss back.
I split my persona into two at a very young age. A part of me thinks that's the only reason I haven't lost my sanity completely after all I've been through. I did it on purpose, even at that young age. I knew I was smarter than the other kids and I knew a lot about the human mind. I read all my dad's old psychology textbooks as soon as I could understand them, and being and INFJ, naturally fell into the rest. I split myself so that the strong part of me can take over when the weak part of me just couldn't anymore. And also so that I wouldn't have to be so lonely. It worked however.
I've only recently been unable to reach for the other me again. She sometimes took over for months, especially during times of depression. My lover refers to her as The Terminator; so named for the thing I liked about her most... she didn't feel. At least, I didn't whenever I became her.
I idolized that part of me as being strong. Not succumbing to the horror of emotion. Until I fell for someone hard enough to feel again. I have since moved in with him and every aspect of myself has changed. Some things for the better and others for the worst. I miss being able to shut off all my emotion, even if just towards a single person. I miss the strength and independence I exuded. I miss my charisma.
All these things are missing, and I know I used to have them. I reach but find nothing. It can't be gone forever. I like who I have become - sometimes... but it just feels like something's missing.
I split my persona into two at a very young age. A part of me thinks that's the only reason I haven't lost my sanity completely after all I've been through. I did it on purpose, even at that young age. I knew I was smarter than the other kids and I knew a lot about the human mind. I read all my dad's old psychology textbooks as soon as I could understand them, and being and INFJ, naturally fell into the rest. I split myself so that the strong part of me can take over when the weak part of me just couldn't anymore. And also so that I wouldn't have to be so lonely. It worked however.
I've only recently been unable to reach for the other me again. She sometimes took over for months, especially during times of depression. My lover refers to her as The Terminator; so named for the thing I liked about her most... she didn't feel. At least, I didn't whenever I became her.
I idolized that part of me as being strong. Not succumbing to the horror of emotion. Until I fell for someone hard enough to feel again. I have since moved in with him and every aspect of myself has changed. Some things for the better and others for the worst. I miss being able to shut off all my emotion, even if just towards a single person. I miss the strength and independence I exuded. I miss my charisma.
All these things are missing, and I know I used to have them. I reach but find nothing. It can't be gone forever. I like who I have become - sometimes... but it just feels like something's missing.
31-35, F
