I Have Family Problems
I had a big fight with my dad today. My dad screamed, swore, and walked out on me. He and my mom chose losing their lives over paying the bills because they think WE are selfish not to help them. I only want them to have a peaceful life when they retire but they refuse to because of money issues. If they still want to work, I just wish the job they take would be easier rather than handling a level 5 foster kid who's too stressful to handle where everybody is just giving her up. They're not getting any younger and I am greatly worried about their health. I want to help them once I get a job but I couldn't help them at all because I've been unemployed for a long time. They're afraid of becoming bored once they retire...all they talk about these days is how to earn money.
Now that I shared my own feelings and opinions to my family, they now see me as the worst person in the family. I just heard my mom tell her friend how ungrateful and bad I am and how she sings praises when it comes to my big brother. Both of my parents always tell me that my brother is nice and can get along with anybody compared to me who's got a bad attitude and the black sheep of the family. To them being an independent thinker and having your own opinions means your bad and disrespectful...family traditions are stupid. I feel sorry for them...they don't know me and my brother well as my brother has a lot of secrets he's keeping from them.
In reality, I have no voice, no independence, no freedom, no control over my life as long as I stay with them. I am being programmed like a robot, get no respect at home and they don't even care. Like I said, family traditions are stupid...it stops you from the independence that you should have learned while growing up. It just simply controls you and you're being suffocated until there's nothing left of you.
Home is supposed to be a peaceful sanctuary you can go home to but now it's just hell and I hate going home. As much as I want to move out, I am in a situation where I am stuck and cannot move as much as I want. I've been looking for a job everywhere but life has played cruel tricks on me. No matter how much I try to get back up, something bad always happen in the end. I always end up feeling sad, angry, and disappointed. I am still trying but I have already lost all hope.
I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time but my family dismisses or laughs it off. When I die, I'd like to see how much my life is worth to these people. Will they cry? be sad or angry? Well, I believe they will cry because of the idea that someone killed themselves not because they feel sorry for me or love me. They will be angry too because I chose to die which will brought shame to our family which they think is completely stupid. They will never understand how I feel no matter how many times I tell them or try to defend myself. They've already decided...I will always be in the wrong in their eyes.
I've always felt alone in this family ever since I was child. I always draw and create stories to escape this bitter reality. I never felt they ever loved me...it's always about their responsibilities and obligations. They say they love me but they will turn my words around and tell me that I'm the one who doesn't love them because I don't help them 24/7.
I have to live with this type of treatment for a long time and I am sooooo tired. I want someone to save me...I want out of this hell. I am giving myself an ultimatum. If things don't get any better and I'm too late to be saved, then this pain must end.
Now that I shared my own feelings and opinions to my family, they now see me as the worst person in the family. I just heard my mom tell her friend how ungrateful and bad I am and how she sings praises when it comes to my big brother. Both of my parents always tell me that my brother is nice and can get along with anybody compared to me who's got a bad attitude and the black sheep of the family. To them being an independent thinker and having your own opinions means your bad and disrespectful...family traditions are stupid. I feel sorry for them...they don't know me and my brother well as my brother has a lot of secrets he's keeping from them.
In reality, I have no voice, no independence, no freedom, no control over my life as long as I stay with them. I am being programmed like a robot, get no respect at home and they don't even care. Like I said, family traditions are stupid...it stops you from the independence that you should have learned while growing up. It just simply controls you and you're being suffocated until there's nothing left of you.
Home is supposed to be a peaceful sanctuary you can go home to but now it's just hell and I hate going home. As much as I want to move out, I am in a situation where I am stuck and cannot move as much as I want. I've been looking for a job everywhere but life has played cruel tricks on me. No matter how much I try to get back up, something bad always happen in the end. I always end up feeling sad, angry, and disappointed. I am still trying but I have already lost all hope.
I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time but my family dismisses or laughs it off. When I die, I'd like to see how much my life is worth to these people. Will they cry? be sad or angry? Well, I believe they will cry because of the idea that someone killed themselves not because they feel sorry for me or love me. They will be angry too because I chose to die which will brought shame to our family which they think is completely stupid. They will never understand how I feel no matter how many times I tell them or try to defend myself. They've already decided...I will always be in the wrong in their eyes.
I've always felt alone in this family ever since I was child. I always draw and create stories to escape this bitter reality. I never felt they ever loved me...it's always about their responsibilities and obligations. They say they love me but they will turn my words around and tell me that I'm the one who doesn't love them because I don't help them 24/7.
I have to live with this type of treatment for a long time and I am sooooo tired. I want someone to save me...I want out of this hell. I am giving myself an ultimatum. If things don't get any better and I'm too late to be saved, then this pain must end.
36-40, F
