I Am Sorry I Am Not What You Want
Dear Mum and Dad,
I am sorry I am not what you want in a daughter.I am sorry I will never be perfect. I am sorry I will never be the person you wanted me to be. All I can do is apologise. Apologise for being weak, not trying enough but most of all for not holding on, for letting you down. Right now I am faced with millions of choices but frankly all of them will be made on how to please you because the only choice that would please me would destroy you.
All I want is your happiness, your approval but how can I look at you knowing that I will ever be enough. That no matter how much I try I will never be what you want me to. I am really trying but its not good enough. I promise to try harder. I promise to do more. But how can I tell you that no matter how much I try it will never be enough. Because I can give you the perfect body, I can give you the perfect grades, I can take care of my brother and still find time to pick up a hobby and take German classes at the embassy. I can give you perfect but mummy, daddy I will never be perfect.
Because no matter how perfect you see me to be, you will never see me crying at 12 a.m. on the bathroom floor hoping I have not cut too deep this time. You will never see me sneaking in a smoke at 7.30 just so I can carry on my day. You will never see me taking pills at 4 a.m. just to fall asleep. You may see me happy and how I wish that were true. Because I am broken and when you peel back my layers you will see that and than I won't be so perfect anymore.
Because underneath my clothes I have torn scared skin and underneath my miles and miles of skin is my black lungs and my kidneys waiting to fail.
Because protected by my ribs is my heart which is very much alive and pumping approximately one third of a cup or blood at every beat and although it is beating profusely I am very much hoping that for some obtuse reasons it just stops.
I am sorry mum.
I am sorry dad.
I am sorry for all the reasons why I will never be good enough for you. I am sorry that I will never be good enough for me.
I am sorry I am not what you want in a daughter.I am sorry I will never be perfect. I am sorry I will never be the person you wanted me to be. All I can do is apologise. Apologise for being weak, not trying enough but most of all for not holding on, for letting you down. Right now I am faced with millions of choices but frankly all of them will be made on how to please you because the only choice that would please me would destroy you.
All I want is your happiness, your approval but how can I look at you knowing that I will ever be enough. That no matter how much I try I will never be what you want me to. I am really trying but its not good enough. I promise to try harder. I promise to do more. But how can I tell you that no matter how much I try it will never be enough. Because I can give you the perfect body, I can give you the perfect grades, I can take care of my brother and still find time to pick up a hobby and take German classes at the embassy. I can give you perfect but mummy, daddy I will never be perfect.
Because no matter how perfect you see me to be, you will never see me crying at 12 a.m. on the bathroom floor hoping I have not cut too deep this time. You will never see me sneaking in a smoke at 7.30 just so I can carry on my day. You will never see me taking pills at 4 a.m. just to fall asleep. You may see me happy and how I wish that were true. Because I am broken and when you peel back my layers you will see that and than I won't be so perfect anymore.
Because underneath my clothes I have torn scared skin and underneath my miles and miles of skin is my black lungs and my kidneys waiting to fail.
Because protected by my ribs is my heart which is very much alive and pumping approximately one third of a cup or blood at every beat and although it is beating profusely I am very much hoping that for some obtuse reasons it just stops.
I am sorry mum.
I am sorry dad.
I am sorry for all the reasons why I will never be good enough for you. I am sorry that I will never be good enough for me.
22-25, F
