I Feel Trapped
I feel trapped in my job, my family, my life, my feelings, my dreams.
I had this very high expectation of life as a teenager. I guess that was just me being naive. I wish I could go back and not bother worry about the exams I'd fail anyway. I wasted so much time.
I don't think I'm capable of being anything great. Growing up my mum often told me she wanted me to be a doctor or a dentist or an optometrist or some kind of profession that pays well and gets you respected by others. But I never knew what I wanted to be.
I loved art and science. Those were my two big things at school. But my teachers told me art would get me no where so I decided on science. Microbiology in particular because I was so passionate.
But I was never academic. I tried so hard, studied to the point where all I could hear in my head was what I'd been revising, I'd dream of it, I'd wake up in the night worrying about deadlines, couldn't eat or sleep so I was tired all the time. And I still failed. Eventually it just sucked away any passion I had for it.
Now I think I'm one of those drifters. I'm stuck in a job that I hate/love. The pay is shit and you don't get respected because you don't have a degree. People automatically assume you have one and you literally see their face drop when you tell them otherwise.
My boss humiliates me. But she'll be paying for that soon.
The hours are stupid and you never know when you'll get to go have lunch.
I come home to a family that just doesn't understand because they have their own things going on so I feel unappreciated, especially when I get accused of being selfish despite handing over two thirds of my wages to help out.
I have these dark thoughts sometimes. That if I just ended it all I wouldn't have to do any of this anymore.
I like the idea of falling alseep and never having to wake up again.
I want to make my way to being a nurse. But you need a degree and I'm not confident in any way about it. I'm so afraid of failing. But I'll grow a pair and try my best.
I just wish someone would tell me I'm doing alright, give me a pat on the back, maybe a cuddle. I'd just like to feel appreciated.
Happy 2017 people. Hope it's a good year for those who deserve it Xx
I had this very high expectation of life as a teenager. I guess that was just me being naive. I wish I could go back and not bother worry about the exams I'd fail anyway. I wasted so much time.
I don't think I'm capable of being anything great. Growing up my mum often told me she wanted me to be a doctor or a dentist or an optometrist or some kind of profession that pays well and gets you respected by others. But I never knew what I wanted to be.
I loved art and science. Those were my two big things at school. But my teachers told me art would get me no where so I decided on science. Microbiology in particular because I was so passionate.
But I was never academic. I tried so hard, studied to the point where all I could hear in my head was what I'd been revising, I'd dream of it, I'd wake up in the night worrying about deadlines, couldn't eat or sleep so I was tired all the time. And I still failed. Eventually it just sucked away any passion I had for it.
Now I think I'm one of those drifters. I'm stuck in a job that I hate/love. The pay is shit and you don't get respected because you don't have a degree. People automatically assume you have one and you literally see their face drop when you tell them otherwise.
My boss humiliates me. But she'll be paying for that soon.
The hours are stupid and you never know when you'll get to go have lunch.
I come home to a family that just doesn't understand because they have their own things going on so I feel unappreciated, especially when I get accused of being selfish despite handing over two thirds of my wages to help out.
I have these dark thoughts sometimes. That if I just ended it all I wouldn't have to do any of this anymore.
I like the idea of falling alseep and never having to wake up again.
I want to make my way to being a nurse. But you need a degree and I'm not confident in any way about it. I'm so afraid of failing. But I'll grow a pair and try my best.
I just wish someone would tell me I'm doing alright, give me a pat on the back, maybe a cuddle. I'd just like to feel appreciated.
Happy 2017 people. Hope it's a good year for those who deserve it Xx
26-30, F
