Part 2: Loneliness
The four givens of the human condition, the four sources of existential anguish, are The Meaning of Life, Loneliness, Freedom and Fear of Death. These were proposed by Irvin D. Yalom and used in existential psychotherapy (both are worth a Google and a Wikipedia visit). In this second entry in a four-part series, I will address Loneliness. The goal is the same every time: To share something that works for me, in the hopes it might help someone else.
What makes a person feel less lonely? The obvious answer is connection. The more you feel a part of something, supported, understood, cared for, the less lonely you will feel. I think most people understand this to some degree, yet there is still a staggering amount of loneliness out there. The reason for this is that getting a deep connection to other human beings is quite difficult, and connection to nature or other animals is ultimately insufficient. Dogs for instance can be amazing companions, but they aren't and will never be a full replacement for a human. I believe no matter how well you're connected to the Earth and your living, breathing environment, or how many pets you surround yourself with, you'll always need other humans. We're wired that way.
What is so difficult about connecting to other humans? It depends on how you define connection. It is generally easy to find other people you have things in common with. You go to the same school, have the same hobby, share political views. No matter how outlandish your lifestyle, odds are there're entire groups of people into the same thing, and in this age of the internet, you can find them. But is having something (or a lot of things) in common with someone automatically a connection? And more importantly, will this common ground lead to a decrease in loneliness?
My take on this is that there are two main types of connection: the shallow and the deep. Having something in common with someone is a shallow connection, it doesn't really mean anything. But that doesn't mean it can't be useful! Hard to find deep connections if you never talk to anyone, and having things in common is excellent for starting conversations. Does this mean that having 'shallow' things in common is necessary? Absolutely not. This series is about the four 'givens' of the human condition, things that we all have in common, and that's where the real connections are found.
If there are things that we all share, all we need to do is get to them. How do we do this? The answer is vulnerability, and persistence. In every interaction you have opportunities, to ask difficult questions, to share personal things. I'm not saying it's always appropriate, but you do have the choice of doing that. If you wish to be connected to someone on a deeper level, it will always require risk on your part, a risk inherent to being vulnerable and/or asking someone else to be. But when you succeed, and both parties can be vulnerable, you create intimacy. Intimacy and connection may be one and the same.
Persistence is needed because this process is hard. People are naturally on guard, defenses fully up, because they've been hurt before. It's a mechanism that makes sense and is there for a reason. If you wish to get through, it will take time and effort. And even then, you may not succeed. Nobody owes you vulnerability or intimacy, so be prepared to be disappointed. Is it worth doing anyway? Absolutely. Feeling connected to other people, being truly intimate with someone, is one of the best feelings in existence. Loneliness is truly awful, and anything that has a chance of decreasing it is very likely worth trying. Try, and you will definitely fail. But keep trying, and you will succeed.
What makes a person feel less lonely? The obvious answer is connection. The more you feel a part of something, supported, understood, cared for, the less lonely you will feel. I think most people understand this to some degree, yet there is still a staggering amount of loneliness out there. The reason for this is that getting a deep connection to other human beings is quite difficult, and connection to nature or other animals is ultimately insufficient. Dogs for instance can be amazing companions, but they aren't and will never be a full replacement for a human. I believe no matter how well you're connected to the Earth and your living, breathing environment, or how many pets you surround yourself with, you'll always need other humans. We're wired that way.
What is so difficult about connecting to other humans? It depends on how you define connection. It is generally easy to find other people you have things in common with. You go to the same school, have the same hobby, share political views. No matter how outlandish your lifestyle, odds are there're entire groups of people into the same thing, and in this age of the internet, you can find them. But is having something (or a lot of things) in common with someone automatically a connection? And more importantly, will this common ground lead to a decrease in loneliness?
My take on this is that there are two main types of connection: the shallow and the deep. Having something in common with someone is a shallow connection, it doesn't really mean anything. But that doesn't mean it can't be useful! Hard to find deep connections if you never talk to anyone, and having things in common is excellent for starting conversations. Does this mean that having 'shallow' things in common is necessary? Absolutely not. This series is about the four 'givens' of the human condition, things that we all have in common, and that's where the real connections are found.
If there are things that we all share, all we need to do is get to them. How do we do this? The answer is vulnerability, and persistence. In every interaction you have opportunities, to ask difficult questions, to share personal things. I'm not saying it's always appropriate, but you do have the choice of doing that. If you wish to be connected to someone on a deeper level, it will always require risk on your part, a risk inherent to being vulnerable and/or asking someone else to be. But when you succeed, and both parties can be vulnerable, you create intimacy. Intimacy and connection may be one and the same.
Persistence is needed because this process is hard. People are naturally on guard, defenses fully up, because they've been hurt before. It's a mechanism that makes sense and is there for a reason. If you wish to get through, it will take time and effort. And even then, you may not succeed. Nobody owes you vulnerability or intimacy, so be prepared to be disappointed. Is it worth doing anyway? Absolutely. Feeling connected to other people, being truly intimate with someone, is one of the best feelings in existence. Loneliness is truly awful, and anything that has a chance of decreasing it is very likely worth trying. Try, and you will definitely fail. But keep trying, and you will succeed.
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