I Have A Mind That Keeps Me Awake At Night

I’m lying awake. I haven’t actually been able to sleep early any night this week. Of course I’m thinking. Frankly I’ve been thinking quite a lot as of lately but it’s not worrisome. In fact I’ve found it to be almost subconscious thinking, like I’m purging out facts and pains and conclusions about my past. Vera wasn’t a good step mother. I can’t believe my father would sit there as she bullied me with her words a couple of times. She was fine otherwise I suppose, but I never trusted her. Never trust a woman who tattooed eye liner to her eyes and lip liner to her lips! Perhaps she was jealous. I don’t know why. I can’t believe she had the nerve to persuade me into thinking I killed my mother with my thoughts; such a horrific thing to tell a young teenager. Smh. Well we all know how that ended. Finally my dad woke up and saw Vera for the sleeze she is. Speaking of sleezes my dads no peach either. Tells me I can call him anytime about anything whenever... I don’t think I’ve talked to him on the phone for about two years now. It was about this time two years ago I had that small freak out from having too much coffee. I was so worried about school at the time my mind went into one hell of a panick and I was home alone, practically no one was in town at the time and I really needed someone to talk to; someone to ground me back to earth. So I called him and he tells me that he “can’t talk” and I woke up “his new wife”. Never met her but she has a big nose. Serves him right! He never deserved my mother and she was the best he’ll ever do and he took her for granted for sure. First they get divorced cause he wanted that lady from work who wasn’t even all that into him cause she was still hung up on her boyfriend in jail. Smh. He divorced my mom for her cause she tells him she can’t be with a married man which is an obvious excuse cause again she’s hung up with jail boy. Smh. Idiots the whole lot of em! Man, I sure used to miss livin with my mum... mummy. She was great. Strong heart, smart, kind, caring. I lived with her for 2 years till her tragedy happened... I’ll never forget the day...Then I had to live with that jerk of a father smh... I’ll never forget the day....The day that everything changed...She wasn’t perfect either; my mum with her heavy whiskey drinking and her smoking But atleast she put in an effort to be somebody. Somebody worth something to me. She was heart broken but she tried to live a good life and laugh about the silly little things. She would listen to me sing and play and she’d smile..we had some really nice times together. I miss her. I try not to think about it often but heck maybe I should... maybe it’s about time I stopped distracting myself with wizards and fairytales and alternate meanings to things that are shit.... I will always appreciate fantasies but I deserve a better reality and I can’t get there by playing pretend anymore. I’ve got to learn to love myself and realign myself with where I came from to define who I am today... My dad can get texts on Christmas that’s all he deserves... it’s too bad he’ll never get to know the real me and the me I’m about to discover.... I don’t know what’s coming next but whatever it is I’m ready for it and I’m ready for it now I’m ready to bloom! Lol :)