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I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

I feel like I'm not allowed here. I'm not official diagnosed, but before you comment "go to a doctor," please understand that's really hard for me to do right now. But, BPD it seems like the missing piece or link. Even the two friends I have say it's fits me.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but since I discovered bpd it just matches. Unstable relationships, extreme fear of abandonment, mostly caused by my narc dad that would threaten to leave me or send me away and a precious friend I had.

When it comes to anger I'm the hulk. Impulses drive it further and in the end I do or say something I regret.

Maybe I am a piece of sh*t, I don't mean to hurt people but they're always getting burned one way or another. One of my friend's wants to die and yet I can't let him, he's been emotionally abusive lately too, but I can't let another person leave me. I can't help it I get really scared and depressed about people just leaving. Even if it's benefital for me.

I don't have any sense of myself and lack direction.

I know this amounts to nothing but I've taken online tests -- screening ones with the official DMSV or whatever, I've scored highly likely nearly every time.

You know the symptoms and i can't just list and check mark them I have no proof, no one is going to believe this post.

My friend yesterday said he didn't need me and said he was going to leave so I tried everything to make him stay even accepted all the things he was calling me "liar" "btch" andso forth.

He wasn't caring about me he he shouted he didn't care, which along with someone saying they're leaving are trigger words for me so I panicked got really really depressed and cut myself.

I know I have depersonalization/realization issues.

I hea- read people say bpd is hell on earth you hate yourself you want to die and so on, but I don't feel that way all the time so maybe I don't belong here maybe I'm just carting the traits I don't know anymore.. i just don't feel like I belong anywhere else and i don't know I have alexithymia i can't tell anything about my emotions or feelings let alone describe them.

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Paliglass · 41-45, F

Could be an attachment disorder rather than BPD. Personally I dislike labels and doctors ideas of mental health because they're always changing their minds and there's no definitive tests like blood tests or scans to say BPD, attachment disorder, bipolar etc. I asked.

So how I have tackled my issues is to see doctors and take what help and therapy they have suggested: 3 years of psychotherapy, 5years of counselling and 3 months of art psychotherapy therapy . I also

1. found general self development classes from various sources for myself (they were all very useful) eg assertion and confidence building classes, communication classes, women's classes about getting to know yourself as a woman, classes about dynamics of abusive relationships and even on parenting classes I've learnt about myself as well as learning parenting skills.

2.studied counselling and psychotherapy myself for 3 years (got exams lol) Studied behaviour change for a year (qualified lol)

3. read loads and loads of books about the psyche and how we interact my favourites being: women who run with the wolves and men are from Mars women are from Venus. Please read women who run with the wolves lol so good.

I basically spent 10 years working on myself. I added in qualifications so I gained tangible things along the way and could never feel it was a waste of time. But even without the tangible stuff it was all worth it. Personally I don't know how people wander around the planet without looking inwards and working on themselves, get to know themselves, - a better way to say it is I know how to work with myself now rather than against myself.

Much luck 🍀

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Paliglass · 41-45, F

@Cannelle there's various attachment disorders and attachment styles.

As you get more attached in the relationship it becomes more scary to have empathy etc as if the person let's you down after a longer period of time the hurt will be greater. Therefore detaching from that person feels safer.

It also sounds like your father created attachment and then took it away repeatedly therefore that's your emotional pattern. You get attached then it's taken away over and over again from a vulnerable child. So that is still your emotional pattern now.

Do you have casual sex, gamble, drink or drugs - the other aspects of BPD?

If you do have BPD it's symptoms are very treatable.

Cannelle · 26-30, F

I recklessly spend money (sometimes not my own) and take a lot of pain medication, more than advised. I don't drink because my father was an alcoholic and I'm kind of a shut in so yeah. @Paliglass

Paliglass · 41-45, F

@Cannelle I do think go to doctor. As much as I'm sceptical of their ability to correctly diagnose people therapy is helpful and you sound like you want help. Realising you need help is first, wanting help is the next step, getting help isn't always easy but there are many things that could help.

firefall · 61-69, M

BPD is one of those things that a lot of ppl gravitate to as a diagnosis, which is why, I think, it's treated with great suspicion when you self-diagnose.

OTOH, you're describing an awful lot of the normal parameters for BPD, so it seems very likely that you're correct. Have you/can you see a therapist to get a more formal diagnosis, and a course of treatment? (Pills dont work for everyone, by any means, but are well worth trying as a first step, because if they do work, they feel like utter magic).

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Cannelle · 26-30, F

That's a clever plan, I'll see what I can do. I am also very nervous about my anger actually, because I'll be moving in with my sister later this year and we don't always get along, most siblings don't, but most siblings also don't nearly kill their sibling.@firefall

firefall · 61-69, M

@Cannelle Ah, so you can ask for that, for real, as part of the whole. Good luck with it, truly.

Cannelle · 26-30, F

Thank you. @firefall

Subsumedpat · 36-40, M

People who do this (basically diagonisis by symptoms they read on the internet) tend to be wrong so statistically you don't have BPD. You still could have it and something is wrong but likely it is something else.

Cannelle · 26-30, F

@Subsumedpat well it's not like I can really go to a doctor. I once told my mom that I thought I had it but she ignored me and said it was more like my sister. My two friends are the only people who really know the true me.

Biffed · 26-30, M

did you have feelings for your friend?

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Biffed · 26-30, M

@Cannelle It's subconscious i suppose. Maybe distracting yourself [i]from[/i] yourself might help clear things up. Best wishes

Cannelle · 26-30, F

@Biffed I'm easily distracted so I guess there's a silver lining of my ADHD.

Biffed · 26-30, M

@Cannelle That's probably why it's so hard to understand yourself.

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