I Hate Myself

Ever since I was a little child I’ve had nothing but contempt for myself. After all, if my mother never wanted me and my dad ditched me then how much am I actually worth? The answer is nothing. I’ve been into self-harming practices for about 11 or 12 years now. I’ve cut my arms to the point it’s all scar tissue, so I’ve started cutting elsewhere. I’m drinking and eating things I know puts my health at risk with the intent of risking my health. I met a Wonder Woman though when I was 18 or 19. And all I’ve done since I’ve been with her is hurt her. I have hit her. I have verbally hurt her as well. Well she has had enough of my shit. She says we don’t love each other. She said if she made me happy then I wouldn’t want to hurt myself all the time. I wouldn’t want to die. She wants to spend the next couple nights alone and I’m a wreck. I think i may actually go through with it this time. All I can think about is how hungry I am from constantly puking up everything I eat, how tired I am from having about 10 hours sleep in the past 7 days, and how much I want to die so I stop hurting. I have a bottle of aspirin. I have a knife, and I get a bottle of booze relatively quickly. Maybe I should. I can’t imagine surviving these next couple days. I really hope I don’t