I Hate Myself
It's irrational to think this, I know, but I can't help but feel like I'm kind of the cause of a lot of my mom's pain in her adult life. After she got pregnant with me, fairly young, things went downhill for her.
The reason for the self hatred is because despite being the event that caused things to start going bad, my mom has never treated me with anything less than love. When I was younger though, I was mean to her. I treated her horribly.
And now that I'm older, our relationship is just an illusion of a relationship. We both love each other, definitely, but it's always...awkward. To the both of us and to any innocent bystanders.
I just think my mom deserves to have a much better daughter than I am and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be worth her pain.
The reason for the self hatred is because despite being the event that caused things to start going bad, my mom has never treated me with anything less than love. When I was younger though, I was mean to her. I treated her horribly.
And now that I'm older, our relationship is just an illusion of a relationship. We both love each other, definitely, but it's always...awkward. To the both of us and to any innocent bystanders.
I just think my mom deserves to have a much better daughter than I am and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be worth her pain.
26-30, F
