I Am Afraid To Let Go

My biggest mistake up to this point in my life was holding on when I was supposed to let go. God knows, I've already given him six years of my life. I cannot give any more. That's why I upped and left to a new country, a new continent ffs. I was not happy anymore, and every day I continued to stay, more pieces of me got lost and withered away. I knew it was time to let go. So I moved 6 394 kilometers away. Started a new life in a new place, among new people. But still I did not let go. Despite my better judgement and despite the fact that this was my plan all along. I still cling to a memory of what we were. Holding on to how we used to be. But those people no longer exist, we have both changed too much to turn back.

So why? Why do some of these feelings persist? Why do I refuse to cut contact completely and let go? The only logical reason I can come up with is that I am afraid. I am afraid to let go, because then I really am all alone. As if sitting by myself in a new country isn't isolating enough. Have I already forgotten that I felt lonely even by his side... That loneliness has been the only constant in my life? It doesn't make sense, none of it does. I've already taken the biggest step by making the decision to leave and following through on it. Compared to that letting go should be easy. I am only fooling myself. I am only hurting myself. The idea that I still have him in any shape or form is ludicrous. So why the reluctance? Why am I so damn afraid of letting go?