I Thought Of You Today
I thought of you today and I go all over the place.
I can't help but to think of more than 3 years. I smile when I think of the start. I ask myself was it all just living a fantasy? I remember so many good times and I remember some very painful times as well. I always thought when you loved someone and they knew it, you showed them, you gave unconditionally it would work and I am realizing that is not the case.
I smile thinking of my excitement, my joy, my passion, my laughter, my spontaneous reactions, my flirtation, my hugs, my kisses, etc...... I am remember one time as I bounced on the bed in laughter. I see you smiling at me and hear your laughter as you say, "you are crazy!" and that affectionate look at you look at me.
I remember the times I pushed and pushed you and you would say to me "cut it out" someone is going to see you. I would pout and say "So?" but i knew what you meant. I remember a time walking in the woods and just learning all the trees. You knew them all. I was in awe.......I knew none. :) But it was all good. Then there is the time we laughed and laughed as we drove around Puerto Rico. It was so beautiful there and then there was the poverty...... how sad.
I remember once you were sharing a story with me and slowly tears start to come to my eyes and you ask what's wrong? I say to you, "it's so sad."
I am seeing the time fly as if in a movie. I remember the first time I said I love you. That memory is so bittersweet to me. I remember I went to breakup with you that day. I knew i could no longer live not knowing where i stood with you. The day was amazing. We spent the whole day together driving around and seeing the local tourist areas. You always held out your hand for me or you would give me your arm.
Smelling the candles, seeing the knickknacks, buying the local chocolate and I can't forget hat big bag of candies. The day was great but it ended so quickly too. I spoke to you about wanting to break up that maybe we needed to go our own ways. You said no you did not want that. I said I love you that night and I was so happy. The next day something happened that totally broke my heart, but of course I did not find out about it until 3 months later. I can't see that place and not remember. I have forgiven but I can't forget it as much as I try. It does not hold fond memories for me any more.
So where do I go from now? I do not know. I just know that the pain I carry is not one that i want any more. I feel as if my heart is tearing in pieces and yes tearing, not breaking. My soul and spirit have been affected with all this.
Why today? I do not know, maybe hearing about the death of a family member and my family reaching out to me. I moved away years ago so i have always been alone. I come from a HUGE family but i live states away.
Yes this feels like grief for so much in my life........... and it is crippling.
I rambled....
I can't help but to think of more than 3 years. I smile when I think of the start. I ask myself was it all just living a fantasy? I remember so many good times and I remember some very painful times as well. I always thought when you loved someone and they knew it, you showed them, you gave unconditionally it would work and I am realizing that is not the case.
I smile thinking of my excitement, my joy, my passion, my laughter, my spontaneous reactions, my flirtation, my hugs, my kisses, etc...... I am remember one time as I bounced on the bed in laughter. I see you smiling at me and hear your laughter as you say, "you are crazy!" and that affectionate look at you look at me.
I remember the times I pushed and pushed you and you would say to me "cut it out" someone is going to see you. I would pout and say "So?" but i knew what you meant. I remember a time walking in the woods and just learning all the trees. You knew them all. I was in awe.......I knew none. :) But it was all good. Then there is the time we laughed and laughed as we drove around Puerto Rico. It was so beautiful there and then there was the poverty...... how sad.
I remember once you were sharing a story with me and slowly tears start to come to my eyes and you ask what's wrong? I say to you, "it's so sad."
I am seeing the time fly as if in a movie. I remember the first time I said I love you. That memory is so bittersweet to me. I remember I went to breakup with you that day. I knew i could no longer live not knowing where i stood with you. The day was amazing. We spent the whole day together driving around and seeing the local tourist areas. You always held out your hand for me or you would give me your arm.
Smelling the candles, seeing the knickknacks, buying the local chocolate and I can't forget hat big bag of candies. The day was great but it ended so quickly too. I spoke to you about wanting to break up that maybe we needed to go our own ways. You said no you did not want that. I said I love you that night and I was so happy. The next day something happened that totally broke my heart, but of course I did not find out about it until 3 months later. I can't see that place and not remember. I have forgiven but I can't forget it as much as I try. It does not hold fond memories for me any more.
So where do I go from now? I do not know. I just know that the pain I carry is not one that i want any more. I feel as if my heart is tearing in pieces and yes tearing, not breaking. My soul and spirit have been affected with all this.
Why today? I do not know, maybe hearing about the death of a family member and my family reaching out to me. I moved away years ago so i have always been alone. I come from a HUGE family but i live states away.
Yes this feels like grief for so much in my life........... and it is crippling.
I rambled....
