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I Need Advice

I need advice. So sorry this is long, but please read and tell me what u think. So my mom died when I was 25. Her twin, my aunt is still alive. Her family of 7, lived with in 10 feet of my familys house. We were raised together. We were all like brothers and sisters to each other. I had 2 siblings, 1 which died at age 38, And my brother lives across the country. . When my sister became ill with kidney failure, my 2 female cousins came to the hospital once over the course of 5 years of being in and out of the hospital. 10 years after she passed, my dad became ill. For 6 months I was in the hospital, with my dad, more than I was at home. Everyday I went to see him or take him to various hospitals and nursing homes. And in 6 months 1 cousin out of 7 saw him at the hospital, and once my aunt and uncle visited at a nursing home (in which they stayed 15 minutes) . None of them offered to help , or even asked how he was doing. He died after a long battle.
Now a year later my aunt found she has lung cancer. So my problem is, is that I find myself not caring. I have no sympathy. My cousins come over and ask me how she's doing, and they r all so worried. Thats all I here them talk about. And since I still live next to her, she asks me to help her instead of her kids, 3 of which lives 10 minutes or less away. I dont feel like I should care . I have no sympathy or compassion for her or my cousins. None of them have ever cared about me or my family through the years. And to add to my bitterness, I have panic attacks and depression which they all knew, but none of them ever believed me. I feel bad, and I don't feel bad. What do u think?
unusualme · 56-60, M
To your own self be true! If you care to go then go. Don’t let others decide how you should be.
There may be a time that you may regret not going.
TheDog0 · 31-35
I think,

It could be a good opportunity to find out why they treated your father that way.

This time, they will have to tell you the story behind it if they really wanted your help.
Maybe they blamed your mom's death on him, maybe you bullied them and they are still scared of you, or something else.

Then you can decide whether you want to continue to offer your help or kindly tell her to rely on her kids more for you yourself have an unstable mental health after your father's harsh behavior in his final days.

After all, you are still neighours, and neighours can cause troubles no matter who they are. And you should lead your neighbours to fight whatever evil may come to your last breath., not for their good, but for your own good.

Make your relatives(aunt/cousins/whoever they are) your minions!!!
TheDog0 · 31-35
@melissa001 It's up to you then. If they can help you in an efficient way, and this act of burden doesn't affect the things to be done, it's still considerable for you, unless you have better options(like,live close to your own kids, get a better companion that doesn't make you feel bad,etc).
You have to think about your current situation which is not very good as I have seen.And don't feel uncomfortable/afraid to ask for their help. If you showed them that you have more problems than them and they couldn't help you and making excuses, they will stop asking for your help. And when they do need your help , they will have to do some thinking in their mind first.
Remind them that being relatives doesn't mean you are cheaper or more free in any way that they can't afford.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@TheDog0 no, I'm all alone. No kids no significant other, my sibling lives across the country.
Thank u for giving me advice.
TheDog0 · 31-35
@melissa001 You are welcome.
Casheyane · F
I wouldn't advise you to force yourself. But maybe, if you show them what family love is when they need it, they'll learn it from you. Maybe if you get to know them and give them a chance to get to know you, you might enjoy them. I know the chances are... well it depends really...but what I want to say is, don't close any doors. Leave even a window open. As much as we hate some of them, family is family. I'd know about putting distance between relatives. Some of my dad's relatives suck big time. But I'm currently giving chances to my younger cousins. I could be for them what my elder cousins couldn't be for me.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@Casheyane if they don't know me after 50 years then screw them. And I do have other relatives I keep my distance from, but both our families lived next to each other and I consider them my brothers and sisters. At least I did.
fun4us2b · M
The first thing is for you to come to terms with your own feelings for your cousins lack of care toward your family. That has been building for years and probably damaged you more than them.

That said - you should decide what if any help you'd like to offer. Then be sure you are settled with that before you offer it. When yo offer it, you should not be shy about saying, This is your family, I took care of mine, now you take care of yours.

The main thing is not to accept any guilt from them - do not feel badly....good luck...
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@fun4us2b thank u. That sounds like good advice.
fun4us2b · M
@melissa001 Don't allow people to control you by preying on your good nature...and don't ever feel guilty about it...
TexChik · F
Be who you are, not who they are...You despise them for what they did and then you are doing the exact same thing. Tell her what a shit she was then and what a hypocrite she is now...get it off your chest. Maybe she had a reason , Maybe not. Once the air is cleared, then decide if you want to follow their example of if you can overcome it. Will you regret not helping her after she passes? That is something to ponder. If the answer is no...tell her she can expect the same treatment she gave you and your father.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@TexChik I actually did that a few years ago. They didn't talk to me for around 3 months. Of course, "it was my fault". They never apologized, even after I apologized. My aunt just said "I don't know why we're so mad". I left it at that.
TexChik · F
@melissa001 then they are truly toxic and you have no reason to regret ghosting them out of your life .
Lostpoet · M
I think you should smother her with a pillow while she sleeps. Jk

I think you should tell her that you are busy the next time she asks you for help and Everytime after that and she'll soon start to rely on one of her own children. My heart has turned bitter towards other family members too I don't know how to change that either.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@Lostpoet she knows when I come and go from my house. Im on disability, so she turns to me because I have nothing better to do. And she's told me that before.
Lostpoet · M
@melissa001 Tell her that you found something better to do. You don't owe anyone anything. I think you should tell her that she hurt you very much by not giving a fuck when you and your side of the family was hurting and that you are hurting too you have your own things to deal with and she has kids of her own that need to look after their mother.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@Lostpoet thank u for the advice.
kodiac · 22-25, M
I'd help her but not at risk of my own health ,if it triggeres your anxiety then i'd say no.
Notanymore · 36-40, M
That's a really tough call. I'm having trouble putting myself in your shoes. I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I know you aren't required to care... and can't be told what you have to feel. I really feel terrible for you
Notanymore · 36-40, M
@melissa001 I know that holding a grudge won't help you out any.....but I can't say that forgiveness and compassion for people that don't deserve it would help you either.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@Notanymore it's not that I'm holding a grudge, but I can't feel sorry for then until they've gone through what I've gone through.
Notanymore · 36-40, M
@melissa001 I understand
To hell with her. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of. You’ll regret it later if you do.

If they sincerely apologize and understand how painful their actions were, that’s different, but nothing you’ve said indicates that they’re anything other than the self-centered assholes they’ve always been.

You owe [b]nothing[/b] to these people.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@LeopoldBloom thank u.
SW-User
Sorry, they live so close. My family when they were alive worked better across the globe. That’s the way it was for many years.

I have no friends to ask for help..and I for damn certain don’t want family involved in my life at all.

Do what works for you.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@SW-User I have no friends or any boyfriend or husband to help me out either.
SW-User
Family members are there by chance..as are we all. Further they are a unique subset of pests. I would rather talk with the raccoon that visits my trash can @melissa001
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@SW-User 🤣
purplepen · 51-55, F
Don't do more than you can reasonably handle.
hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M
Be the bigger person and go visit. You don't need to do it every day. A few times a week is enough.
melissa001 · 51-55, F
@hippyjoe1955 she lives next to me so I do visit.
hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M
@melissa001 Good for you. You do what you need to do to keep your sanity. You are not there to live up to anyone else's standards real or imagined. I hope your aunt has a full recovery.
mainvane · 61-69, M
Can you try to let the offenses go and forgive them? I know it's hard but it may also set you free of the pain and begin to feel liberated

 
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