I Battle With Depression and Anxiety

I want to feel alive again, like my life means something. But I don't really see a reason in life anymore. I feel like I am drowning in darkness, suffocating in depression. My mind is overworking causing me to panic. It feels like the walls of life are closing in, getting ready to crush me. I want to feel something again, but all I feel is numb, lifeless. I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. I'm sinking into the void of nothingness with no way back up. If I sink any further then I am done for, but maybe that will be a good thing. Maybe I should just let go and quit fighting. Let the darkness swallow me whole. Let the walls close in. Let my mind turn off.

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lovingdead · 31-35, M

Letting go is not the answer...I can attest to drowning, treading water for what seems like forever, not knowing what way is up, every person drifting past, wondering if they'll stay...

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nekogirl · 22-25, F

@lovingdead yes I have heard them before.

lovingdead · 31-35, M

@nekogirl what kind of music do you like?

nekogirl · 22-25, F

@lovingdead It really just depends on the mood I am.

badapple

whats your thoughts like, what is causing your brain to think like that. when i went through depression it was a lot of self hatred that let me down that road.

nekogirl · 22-25, F

@badapple It is a repeat of what people tell me. I am only good for other people's problems. If it is my own depression taking me down it is my own fault, and it makes me selfish. No one wants to speak to me unless they need something. And I am afraid to say no. Because I know if I do then there goes my only conversation. My thoughts just go on wondering, "Would life for others be better if I was gone." "Would I finally be happy if life was over." "Am I really so selfish for wanting just one person to care." And then anxiety happens, so it is a mixture of not wanting to care about anything and caring about everything at once.

badapple

@nekogirl when i had depression i wanted to end my life because i just wanted the pain to go away and wanted to stop feeling like my life was worthless. like whats the point in living as life just seemed bad and hated myself constantly. the only way i broke that cycle of thought was finding meaning and letting go of those thoughts. i found a person online to relate to and talk to and goof around with, that broke my bad thoughts. it up lifted my spirits. maybe opening up and finding good people to talk to might help

nekogirl · 22-25, F

@badapple I haven't found anybody. The only people who treated me like I mattered were in the hospital when I was on suicide watch. No one really cares, not even the people who tell you they do. As soon as they don't need you they throw you away like you are nothing more than trash. I am tired of feeling like nothing. Tired of being throw away because I am not wanted.

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