I Am So Lost In Thought

It had been a long day. At least it felt that way. The cold air on the brisk walk home to the crummy apartment felt good. My mind wandered to a question that I often asked myself, "What will become of me?" As I walked past the string of downtown stores that had long since gone out of business, my mind turned into a close-up camera focused on me. I saw all my flaws, the physical ones, the emotional ones, and the personality ones. I replayed how cast out I felt at work. I was always on the outside. As I reached the mini-skating rink at the May D&F retail court, the half-way point on my walk home, the cheerful screaming of the skaters sent the chill of loneliness through my mind. I would never be able to feel the type of connection that those people obviously felt with each other on this cold night. The impact of the holiday decorations and lights made me feel the essence of Christmas that no one likes to talk about - a reminder of how lonely it stings when you always feel so all alone. I stopped briefly to take in the sounds, the cold, and the smell of roasted nuts and then pushed on.

I thought about what I could do to start feeling better about myself... about why I didn't feel so good about myself... about what someone from work who I half-confided in told me... "If you don't love yourself, no one else will." It felt like she betrayed me when she told me that. But, I knew that sense of betrayal I chose to feel was disguised as truth.

Like being awoken from a dream, the sound of a voice - not my own - made me realize I was still walking. My body heat against the cold air felt oddly comforting. The voice insisted that I engage; it was friendly...

"Can I walk along with you; I want to explain something to you?"
"Um, yeah... sure, I guess, but..."
"I want to tell you about our gathering that helps people find themselves."
"Um..."
"People don't ordinarily talk about it, but there's more people than you think... people just like you who... who are trying to find themselves."'
"Yeah, but... the thing is..."
"Don't worry, you don't need to say anything. You seem a little bit lost, friend."
"Yeah... I mean, no. Not really."
"Really? That's great, but everyone can benefit from self-reflection and getting closer to a higher purpose. Do you agree?"
"Well, yeah... I guess." I felt like I was just waking up.
"I'm Kendra with the Unification Church. What's your name?"
"Mark... Mark-Paul."
"Oh... so biblical. She laughed with her mouth, not her eyes. I want to invite you to our gathering."
"I don't know... what do you mean, 'a gathering?'"
"See... I knew you were interested. We get a group of people together... people like you and we have this beautiful open field and we all have hot chocolate. It's the best hot chocolate you will ever taste. And, we explain what its like."
"What it's like...?"
"You know, what it's like to be part of the Church, to be part of us. I want to invite you."
"I don't know... I... you know... I..."
"Well, it's just a gathering. And, you will find out a lot about yourself."
"I don't know."
"We don't know what we don't know and the only way to know is to find out about what we don't know, so we can know." She smiled again, again without her eyes.
I quickened my pace. "It's just that... well, it doesn't sound like it is for me?"
"I think you will enjoy it. I still remember my first time..."
"Thanks, but..."
"Well, I hope we can talk again." She stopped walking.
I turned to her, "Sure..." I walked ahead.

I was anxious to get home.