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How could I start this senentence?

Later that evening, it was finally time. The day started to slowly drift away, letting...

[Does it make sense and start off good? How could I word this better?]

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puck61

It seems okay to me. You just have to be careful with adverbs and conjunctive adverbs like 'finally' because they have a habit of reappearing too often performing the same function on the same page. I might even remove the word, "slowly" because it's almost redundant to 'finally'. Little things can mean a lot. There should be a subtle alliteration to any paragraph that you want to make an impact. Alliteration without repetition.

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puck61

@JohnnySpot Then s;peak boldly of the land with no sun.

JohnnySpot · 56-60, M

Steven King says not to do anything weird with the punctuation! oh I see you corrected the n maybe the ; is just a type o too.
It was a foggy morning. Hazy light revealed uncertainty in Pucks mind. Stoney freaked, confirming the illusion. Dirty, in rags, children peering up the gateway shielding their eyes from the dim light with their green hands.
Puck wasn't afraid, "Jackson" he called, "Jackson".
Stoney chugged his wine, sugarcoating the initial shock.
"We come from a land with no sun" the dirty faced angelic young girl announced.
"Jackson boy they'll get you by and by" Puck cast peril.
Stoney told Johnny. Johnny told Mrs B. "I seen them, a boy and a girl, they're at the gateway."