I Have Stopped Caring

Both my parents passed away recently, my dad in August and my mom last week. They were both ill for a long time, in their 80s, so it was not really a surprise... The last 15-20 years I'd been trying to help them as I could, sending them whatever money I could (not much) and trying to cheer them up, keep them positive, etc. Yet, we all knew they were not getting any younger or any healthier, and all these years I've been witnessing their physical and mental collapse... The last time I really communicated with my parents, a video chat, was about a year ago I think (they lived overseas and I could not afford visiting them). My dad just got bitter and grumpier as the years went by, understandable as he was home-bound, unable to walk or even sit without being in pain, with his vision failing... "It's like being in jail for life" he'd said. True, just worse because of the physical pain and all that... Then there's my daughter, who thanks God is doing well, she's now twenty and in university, and has a good boyfriend, caring, hard working, responsible, etc. So I feel that my job as a dad is done, and my job as a son is over.

I used to have dreams. Travel the world, go places. Maybe try some hobbies. Get back into flying (I'm a private pilot but I've been unable to afford this "hobby" for over 30 years). I thought that after I had no more responsibilities with my parents and my daughter, I would be able to "start living" again. To be able to focus on myself, on the things I wanted to do. I'm self employed and after a few years of struggles and hardships, things are finally looking rather good, it seems like this year I can start saving some money and paying back my debt.

The thing is, I've stopped caring... "Go places, travel the world"? Why? Who cares...? See some nice views... And? Flying? Why? Going where...? It's like nothing matters anymore... Oh, trust me, I still like women very much. Maybe I should get me a girlfriend, start some romance? Nah, I was married for 9 years and I've been divorced 15 years ago... Been there, done that... Anyway the only women I find interesting are 30 years younger than me, so nothing will happen on that front (and even if it did, I can see all the many ways where it could go all wrong).

So frankly I've never felt more ready to die. Even if I won a million dollars (which i won't, as I don't gamble or buy lottery tickets) I'd feel there's nothing I could spend that money that would feel "great", that would cheer me up, much less "make me happy". I guess I've reached that blessed (?) state where I feel detached from the world, when nothing in or from the world seems interesting or worth. I don't really know if that's a good or a bad thing. Let's go with "good" just to finish this rant in a positive note.

Have a good night/day everyone.