I'd Rather Have the Truth, No Matter How Hard

Exactly. Treating someone like they have to be tip-toed around is treating them like a child. Like if you say the wrong thing, they won't be able to handle it. Treating them like they can hear the truth and still be okay means that you're treating them with respect - like an adult who can handle themselves.

Funny, I just posted something about adults not acting like adults. But yes, I agree, It's disrespectful. Not to mention how much work it is to keep up with a lie. I highly doubt I could, especially if it's one that goes on for a while. The truth always comes out eventually too, so you may as well just be upfront about it from the beginning.

I told a few big lies when I was much younger - I remember how exhausting it was keeping up with them. I don't agree that the truth always comes out eventually - sometimes even big lies never get found out. But even if it doesn't come out, it still eats at you inside. Karma doesn't always work in your life, but it always works in your heart.

I've been lied to plenty and those always seemed to come to the surface over time, but you're right - I suppose, if you're good at lying, those lies may never come out (I happen to be pretty intuitive, so maybe that's why I caught them in their lies, or they were just bad liars). It's the eating at you that really turns me away from lying. I don't want to live with this big secret that I can't tell a soul. And I certainly don't want to build a connection with someone that's based on lies.

If you're good at lying, or if they person/people you're lying to are bad at spotting lies. Your experience of life is from the perspective of someone who's good at spotting lies, so your worldview is one where lies always get found out eventually. I'm pretty intuitive too - it's honestly a huge burden when I spot that someone is a skilled liar, but no one around me has a clue. What if you've had huge experiences in the past that hardly anyone goes through, and that no one can really understand unless they've been there? What if you've learned, again and again, that in order to fit in and move forward, you have to not talk about that part of yourself? It's not a lie, but it is a big secret that you don't tell people about. That's the situation I'm in - and I find that it builds a wall between me and the world. One that's hard to bridge.

I understand that completely. I spent most of my life telling lies by omission. I was just worried that I'd be judged too harshly for simply being myself, so I kept my true self hidden. Over time, I taught myself not to care what people think. Now, I'm an open book, 100%. People also seem to like me more because of it. It's up to you to decide how to move forward. It's difficult to not care what people think, but it's a huge weight lifted off your shoulders once you do. Or you can try to find someone to tell your secret to. It's hard to find someone you trust that much, but once you do and you tell them the secret, you'll feel better. You may still have to wear a mask when you're with others, but at least you can be real with them.

There are already a few people who I've told my secrets to. One of them knows all of it. I'm not sure if I believe that utter authenticity really works in the world we live in. I spent a long time moving myself in that direction - more than a decade - but it got to the point where it just felt like I was blindly holding onto faith in something that all the evidence was telling me didn't work. Maybe I'm not good enough to pull it off. Maybe there's too much gunk from my past for my true self to be that likable. No one likes scar tissue.


Masks are relative - just because you don't show everything to people doesn't mean that you're showing nothing - and there are two kinds. There are the ones you wear on the outside, to hide from people. They're the ones that are easier to drop, especially over time. But then there are the ones you wear on the inside - the ones that make it so that even when you're hiding little to nothing from other people, you're still keeping a wall between them and your heart.

I think authenticity works for me because, like I said, I've chosen not to care what others think. If I was my true self, but still wanted to please others then I'd probably just end up hurt. But I don't want to please others, I only want to be happy and, for me, happiness means not hiding. Maybe it's different for others; I can't say that what I do will make everyone happier. You say that no one likes scar tissue and, to a degree, that's true. But I think showing your scars, showing your flaws, makes you seem more human. Everyone has baggage. Trying to hide it just makes you seem fake, to me. If you show people that, yes, you're damaged, but you're still standing and you're happy, people respond positively to it. At least, that's been my experience. And, believe me, I'm pretty damaged.

To me a mask means hiding, even if it's for a good reason. I don't want to hide, so I don't wear a mask. Hiding who you are from people, like you said, builds a wall. Walls may protect you, but they also leave you lonely. I had a wall up for most of my life and I wasn't happy that way. Now, that I've let that wall down, I can honestly say I'm happy. That doesn't mean I let everyone into my life - it's up to me who stays and who goes - but everyone I meet knows the real me - whether they like it or not.

This is an unusually interesting conversation. I don't have a lot to go on yet, but I like the real you so far. You seem cool. With hiding and happiness - I think that it is and it isn't different for others. There's a deep human desire to reveal yourself and be understood. I think it's a source of happiness for everyone. But at the same time - my instinct is that not hiding equals happiness for you in a way that goes beyond what it is for most people. I'm the same way - which is ironic since hiding is so easy for me. I'm pretty damaged too - more than most people, but less than plenty of others. Gotta keep it in perspective.

You're right - showing your flaws and your baggage does make you seem more human. More relate-able. At my job, the head of security asked me if I wanted to join the security team. I work in sales now. It's a kinda-fancy clothing store, so their security is all about subtlety - pretending to be a customer, pretending you have no idea what the criminal is doing. Spy type stuff - It's almost never overt or direct. It would have paid better, had more consistent hours, and it would have used some of my heavier duty talents and skills than the job I do now. But I said no - because I didn't want to spend 40 hours a week pretending. I didn't want to spend a big chunk of my time having my primary interaction with the human race be treating people like enemies. So yeah - I get what you mean by having a lifetime of experience wearing masks, but then choosing not to because you want to be happy.

I was thinking the same thing. It's rare that a comment continues for this long. It's refreshing. I've experienced a lot in my 26 years on this earth and, having spent most of my life hiding, I realized how exhausting it all is. Hiding, keeping secrets, trying to please everyone - it all just takes too much energy, which is something I have very little of. Not to mention, everyone I tried so hard to impress is no longer a part of my life, so you can see how well that worked out. But, like i said, choosing not to hide also means choosing not to care what others think - otherwise you'll just end up hurt. It's not easy either. I still put on a mask sometimes, depending on the situation.

Speaking of work, that's a perfect example of when I have to wear a mask. I've worked retail most of my life and I'm working in a bakery currently. It may be easy for more extroverted people, but I've always had to pretend at work. I'm very introverted and, generally, don't want to interact with people I don't know well. At work, I have to put that aside and pretend to be social, otherwise customers wouldn't like me very much. So, sort of similar to your situation. It's truly exhausting though. At the end of the day, I need to decompress. That's probably one of the reasons I've chosen not to wear a mask in my daily life. I do it so much for work; I'd rather just be me when I'm not getting paid to be someone else.

Aside from when I was a little kid and hadn't learned how to hide yet, I spent up until I was 24 wearing masks almost all the time. I'm 30 now (elderly, I know :P), so I've had over half a decade of experience learning to walk in this world in a way that's more free. I still haven't got it all figured out. I don't think anyone ever does. But it's gotten easier. I worked in Web Design and Office Admin until the last year, when I've been doing sales. The sales job has been a HUGE growth experience for me. I feel like just one year at this job has moved me further along in my journey than over 3 years of doing more introverted work. I've learned how to be an introvert in an outgoing job, and to really connect with a team of mostly extroverts. One of my co-workers said something interesting to me a while back - he said that he thinks most actors are introverts. I think he's right - and it made me think about what it really means to be an introvert.


Yup - because of the responsibilities of work, I've found that there's got to be a balance between being your most natural self, and being the perfect employee. If you do the former too much, you won't be able to fulfill a lot of your responsibilities. But you're right - if you do the latter too much, it drains the hell out of you and makes you miserable.


As someone who spent a long time exploring what truth and authenticity mean in the world we live in, I think that it's healthy and good to wear masks in certain situations. Every time I realize that the customer I'm talking to is a "problem customer," I immediately slip into the mask of dancing around them and trying not to poke the hornet's nest. It's demeaning to treat most people like children who have to be "handled," but with toxic people, and people who actually do have giant egos, it's totally appropriate.


If you're interested, I actually wrote a story on exactly this subject a while back: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Not-The-Person-I-Used-To-Be/4411854

Oh, I definitely agree. While being "on" at work is exhausting, I doubt I'd be as outgoing as I am today without working retail for so many years. Granted, I'm still 100% an introvert, who would rather curl up on the couch than interact with another human, but I can have a conversation with a stranger relatively painlessly. Even though I'm wearing a mask most of the time, it's still a good skill to have. Plus, at my current job, I don't have to be "on" quite as much. My supervisors would rather we be genuine than treat every customer like royalty.

I never thought about it before, but maybe your friend has a point. Introverts are some of the best actors in the real world, after all.

Unfortunately, you do have to wear masks around toxic people. I made a post recently about a co-worker I have that is one of those toxic people. I could be my true self and call her out for being a horrible person, but that would just make work uncomfortable for everyone (and probably get me in trouble, even though she's in the wrong). So, I put on a mask and treat her like a child. However, if she weren't my co-worker and just some random person on the treat, I'm afraid my true self would win. I only wear a mask when it's beneficially, after all.

*on the street...not "treat"