I hate this situation

I’m angry at my coworker but I know it was a lot of my fault. I’m angry at myself. And I drink to cope. I don’t feel the same about my ex now and it’s my fault. We were getting married. I mean it’s ruined and I can’t fight because I lost my own damn feelings in sleeping with someone else. I’m so confused how I could do that over a fling. And struggle to stop feeling attracted to someone I want to punch the wall when I see. It’s like goddamn just disappear. I’m sorry but it reminds me how weak I am. I wouldn’t have done it but I was wasted. I really was. And now I can’t get over it somehow