Anxiety and why I have a hard time with work.

I have had a problem with anxiety since I was a kid and I realize now the factors that have caused this. Anxiety could seem like a made up or exaggerated problem to someone looking in. Well, imagine if you had such a terrible working memory that you could never trust yourself to follow instruction, answer appropriately or carry out a task. Anxiety is the snowball that starts with depression, destroys your working memory and becomes the giant mass of anxiety. I have had many jobs. I had one 17 year job in graphics and realize now I was lucky I never had to remember anything, answer phones or do anything too complicated. It then became very complicated and somewhat abusive overtime wise. I thought I’d become a hair stylist. What was I thinking? I guess I thought I was creative. This was severely hard for me. I quit twice before finishing. I started two jobs, only to flee in absolute fear. I can never do this for a career without lots of practice and I can’t get lots of practice without a career. People simply don’t accept when you are slow or you show your nerves. I keep trying things. Trying to be brave. I was even in the military for 3 years. When hair styling failed I just tried cleaning and a stocking job. I wish I loved those jobs, when I did them I just felt sad. I guess I just feel like I’ve put in the school work for what? Love the advice “you can be anything you want” or “you just need confidence “. This doesn’t apply when you can’t remember anything. I can never have a customer service job because I cannot remember the beginning of the customers question by they time they get to the end. It’s horrible. And never make fun of someone about making change. I understand the math but I literally panic and forget what I’m counting from and to. In instructional classes I took in the military I would pay every last bit of attention I could yet my mind would always seem to miss even the very basic of information and it terrorized me. If I was to study a chapter in a history book, for a test I would probably have to read it 20 times to remember it and each time would take me 5 times longer than most people. I do absolutely everything slower. Never read captions fast enough, never click through an electronic device quickly, always need a moment for things to register, situationally unaware, always the last to finish a project even up against elderly. I mean, when I was younger I guess I thought I would improve, now I’m just so shell-shocked of trying and failing I don’t ever want to try again. I’ve tried medication. Nothing really works. Of course an employer can’t discriminate because of anxiety but the realty is that absolutely no employer wants what I’ve described. You can’t be slow, forget things or say “oh, doing that is going to really make me nervous”. I feel like if I could give haircuts to the homeless or maybe at senior homes at least it would be something but with this pandemic it probably wouldn’t be allowed. I volunteer doing other stuff because I feel the only value I have is if they pay me nothing honestly. It makes me a lot less nervous. When someone is putting the squeeze on me for that $11 per hour I wonder why I bother. Ugh. I’m good at data entry, fast typist but there are very few straight data entry jobs anymore. I hate my life.