I’m sick of being cold but I can’t relocate
It’s late April and it’s still only in the 50s and 60s. And people walk around like it’s summer time. I just think how are you not freezing right now? And some people look at me like I’m crazy because I’m bundled up in all my winter attire. 65 degrees today and it was considered nice and warm by majority of people including my own family. Nice weather was 80 degrees we had for three days before it vanished to me . I’m not able to move for a few years due to financial situation because I’m on disability and low income and needing help with mental health issues from the department of mental health and having a case manager, therapist, and psychiatrist here along with living with my family for support. I might wait until my parents retire and my sister moves out of region. I also have no transportation to leave New England like a car as my parents and sister think it’s not safe for me to drive a car. If I go out on my own, I’m scared I will be houseless if I don’t play it safe and stick to low income housing here in Massachusetts where I could qualify for a section 8 housing and I have government health insurance called masshealth. I still have to finish vocational courses to gain employable skills and my university education. To start out with living on my own my family thinks it’s best if I go to assisted or supported independent living for housing. I’m still going to live for a few years in my parents house because I’m not ready to live on my own yet and can’t afford it. Also the waiting list for affordable public housing is on average a couple to several years if not more. I fear I will always need help to live independently. I hate being mentally disabled and often have low motivation to change my life. At least I’m not getting out into a group home thank god. Four places I don’t want to end up: psychiatric hospital(again), hospital( again for surgery),group home ( don’t want it) or jail. ( luckily I have never been to jail. ) I’ll just have to put up with being cold until summer every year and even sometimes we get freak cold snaps in the summer only 60 to 70 degrees which I hate. My idea of a real summer is hot with temperatures like around 90 or higher. I know so little about navigating the world and adulting which is my fault for not bothering to learn in my teens and twenties and naturally picking up those valuable life skills. I know I eventually have to take care of myself because one day my parents and other older relatives will die and I will be on my own. My sister will still be around. I also wonder if I will ever get behind the wheel of a car ever again. I had a dream of rving across the continent in a motorhome but that’s probably never going to happen. I know this sounds shallow but sometimes I wish I had a spouse who could help me to refine my skills after I learned them with mental health team and family and a spouse who was comfortable in income so I could work part time and yet be provided for so I wouldn’t have to be on disability. I don’t think I can handle a full time career and it would be nice to get on a spouses health insurance and benefits while working freelance/self employed/independent contractor role. Paying for your own insurance is expensive.
Someone might say oh you aren’t looking for a significant other or spouse. You’re looking for a sugar daddy or sugar mama. If I was not mentally ill, I wouldn’t think this way because I could completely take care of myself but I ask is it so wrong to want to feel financial security? That’s until your spouse gets sick of you, becomes disabled themselves, or dies. I guess I can only rely on myself in the end even though it is frightening and makes me apprehensive, I think I have no choice. I can have case management and staff to help me with questions that I have about adult skills. I am also probably never going to move too far away from my family. I feel like my life is going to be very limited and I would have to transfer my case to another department of mental health and be assessed for services all over again if I moved to a different state or region. Again I hate having mental disabilities.
Someone might say oh you aren’t looking for a significant other or spouse. You’re looking for a sugar daddy or sugar mama. If I was not mentally ill, I wouldn’t think this way because I could completely take care of myself but I ask is it so wrong to want to feel financial security? That’s until your spouse gets sick of you, becomes disabled themselves, or dies. I guess I can only rely on myself in the end even though it is frightening and makes me apprehensive, I think I have no choice. I can have case management and staff to help me with questions that I have about adult skills. I am also probably never going to move too far away from my family. I feel like my life is going to be very limited and I would have to transfer my case to another department of mental health and be assessed for services all over again if I moved to a different state or region. Again I hate having mental disabilities.
31-35, F
